Free Form Responses: Adoptee Perceptions. Your Lived Experience. NAAM18 (Part 1)

Adoption gave me a different life—not a better one. Don’t assume that my life would’ve been that of a destitute child in my home country. Don’t tell me how lucky I am. I lost EVERYTHING the day I was born. That is not lucky.

12/1/2018 3:47 AM

Adoption is not black and white. And as we speak of adoption, we as a society need to do better listening to the voices of adoptees. Those who adopt should not be put on pedestals treated as saviors. People need to recognize and acknowledge that adoptees will have issues and if you can’t handle it, then don’t adopt. There is no one size fits all solution.
11/30/2018 5:49 PM
Adoption, as it is practiced today, is a human rights violation. It is akin to human trafficking and slavery. The adoption industry needs to be abolished and adoption, itself, needs a major overhaul.
11/30/2018 5:25 PM
I struggle with adoption, I know it can be beneficial. Sadly the current processes leave the adoptee with very little rights. We are deprived of basic human rights and feelings. There is a lot of work that needs to be done to improve the system and help the children/adults who are products of adoption 
11/29/2018 11:21 PM
I was adopted at birth , or a week after I’m not sure . I found adoption documents at the age of 9 . Was confusing for me , my moms very emotional so I learned very quick to not mention my adoption . To this day I still have not with her . We get along great … found birthmothers momshe not so politely told me to never call this number again . I was 21 . I found a cousin on fb she directed me to her mom which is my birth mothers sister in-law . She gave my bothmother my email address . We talked off and on for 2 years ?? I asked questions mention meeting or pictures or something … nothing She passed away feb of this year . Fast forward to this week . I message my BM husband he was happy to hear from me said he didn’t know where to find me . 2 days later my BM daughter friends me on fb … we chat all morning I was super excited and happy elated every feeling that is good Then I got thinking 🤔 Am I doing something wrong ? Is this a bad thing ? Should I have instigated anything ? BM daughter told me she asked her mom every day for a little sister … I’m tired can’t type anymore if you’d like to get more from me let me now
11/29/2018 6:34 AM
Adoption, by nature, is all about the parents success in becoming parents. After all, is that what we as humans are to do, bring the next generation forward? Although the good intentions and emotions are there, a child is only a path for adults to achieve their perceived destiny. If a person and or couple can not do that without adoption intervention, perhaps they are not meant to be a parent, for a multitude of reasons – so dont do it! According to both God and Science. If you can’t conceive, there is a legitimate reason. Of course the parent can act it out, but the child will know when he/she becomes an adult.
11/29/2018 3:05 AM
As an LDA, this was abusive and cruel to lie about my birth and my biology. It’s should be a crime. Seperation is a crime against nature. It should be treated with the same compassion and empathy that we give our domestic pets. Adoptees are less important is the message I get when I see our household pets being treated with more respect than humans.
11/29/2018 12:03 AM
Listen to adoptees instead of APs and Birth parents
11/28/2018 11:25 AM
Closed adoptions serve no purpose.
11/27/2018 12:56 PM
I will never be whole until I know who I came from and why my adoption took place. My offspring have medical issues with no family history to go on.
11/27/2018 2:09 AM
I would like to see states open adoption records. Adoptees have a right to know who and where they came from plus medical issues.
11/27/2018 1:24 AM
Adoption records should be UNSEALED!
11/27/2018 1:09 AM
I believe EVERYONE has the right to their original Birth Certificate.
11/25/2018 10:07 PM
No
11/25/2018 8:10 PM
It has affected me deeply. I keep everyone at arm’s length. We need to know who we are. And every effort needs to be made to keep families together whenever possible.
11/25/2018 7:31 PM
As an adoptee I have found that there is a transparent wall disconnecting you from your adoptive family and a brick wall to your birth family. It can be very isolating, lonely even in a crowded room. There is an emptiness and a seperateness that can’t be filled, no matter how full your life is, and how much love you get and give. I think feelings of rejection and abandonment are present on some level with all adoptees and it is a feeling that hopefully we can all overcome. My heart hurts for all the mothers who didn’t have a choice, or was their best choice to place a child, but always remember the child is the one who was innocent of all. None of us asked to be born, and forever live with the good and bad of another’s actions.
11/25/2018 5:04 PM
I have adoptive parents who are very much exceptions to the rule. When I was a child they were 100% open about the circumstances of my birth and adoption, sharing with me every bit of information they had available, encouraging me to think *and* talk about it, and eventually hiring searchers to assist me in locating my first family. As an adult, they have fully supported me as I entered into reunions, experienced a rather traumatic end to one reunion, worked on adoption legislation, and tried to find my voice as an advocate for adoptee equality and adoption reform. Did they and do they get everything right? No, of course not, they’re only human. But my experience of what adoptive parents are like has been so very different from nearly every other adoptee I know. For all the deep, persistent pain and grief/loss from adoption, I am certain that I have had a safer, healthier, happier life as a result. And yet, when I speak out about the injustices, atrocities, and human rights violations that have occurred (or, worse, are still occurring) in adoption, people who don’t know me well always assume, with such confidence in their assumptions, that I am only “angry” because I have a personal axe to grind and thus the information I’ve presented must be false, while people who DO know me often argue against whatever verifiably fact-based opinions I’ve offered because they feel that the (many) things that are wrong with adoption as a whole somehow pale in comparison to how “right” my adoption was, that I am insulting my own adoptive parents and all the “good people who are saving unwanted/suffering children”, and that I’m personally causing harm to “the poor, sad people who desperately want a baby” because I’m trying to make it harder for them to get that perfect, blank-slate newborn they deserve. It often feels like there’s no way to be a credible source of adoption information when you’re an adoptee. No matter how many degrees I earn, no matter how many hours of research I’ve done, no matter how much legislation I’ve read (or, for that matter, helped write), no matter how many other adoptees and first parents I’ve talked to, no matter how many books and articles I’ve read, and no matter what my own experience has been, I will never be considered as credible as my coworker’s friend’s cousin who is an adoptive parent and says that their children are “just fine with it” or an adoption worker who espouses the belief that all adoptions are “beautiful miracles”. I wish people would listen to adoptees and first parents without feeling the need to immediately jump to defense of adoptive parents and the institution of adoption. I wish that, instead of viewing reports of ‘bad’ things that have happened in adoption as rare, isolated events, people would recognize them as the interconnected hallmarks of a deeply flawed system. Regarding birth certificates: I think access to OBCs should be universal and completely unrestricted. I’d love to see birth certificates standardized across states, especially since they are used for so many federal identification purposes. Rather than issuing amended birth certificates to adoptees, there should be a way to add adoptive parents or legal guardians, and any name changes an individual has over the course of their lifetime (from adoption, marriage, etc.) to the OBC—this way everyone’s got the same document whether they’re adopted or not.
11/25/2018 4:50 PM
I want ALL of my records regarding my birth and adoption. I don’t even know where I spent my first few months of life. I want my OBC. Adoption needs to be abolished and money needs to be used to keep families together. Guardianship can replace erasing a child’s identity when necessary.
11/25/2018 4:27 PM
The voices of adoptees needs to be listened to. There’s a fairytale idea of adoption, and it just isn’t true. I’m most circumstances, there is a lot of pain and emotional damage.
11/25/2018 4:26 PM
Wanting a child is not enough of a reason to want another family to be torn apart.
11/25/2018 4:18 PM
Adoption destroys children. It needs to be completely illegal.
11/25/2018 4:11 PM
Babies are not a blank slate! They know their mothers heart beat and voice! When put into a strangers arms separation anxiety takes over and it lasts a lifetime.
11/25/2018 3:59 PM
Adoption is a child-trafficking. It’s a horrible thing to do to a child.
11/25/2018 3:59 PM
No
11/25/2018 3:24 PM
Adoption for the most part needs to stop. A crisis should never be the means that nice white people build families on.
11/25/2018 3:18 PM
My adoptive siblings and I were adopted by mommie dearest and her enabler husband. My siblings retreated into mental illness.
11/25/2018 3:02 PM
No matter how wonderful your adoptive family is you never get over the feeling that you were not only given away, but given away to complete strangers. It’s very difficult to understand how a parent can do that and go on living.
11/25/2018 2:26 AM
I feel that I should have the right to any and all information regarding my birth. I did not do anything to warrant such private issues with my life.
11/24/2018 7:38 PM
Adoption is very complex. Imagine one day waking up being in a town and you don’t know anyone, you don’t speak the same language, know the customs, anything. You have no idea who you were before that day, but you do know things were different, you were different. Someone in this new town says they will take care of you and although it appears nice and generous, there are unspoken agreements made by that other person that you have no understanding of but are still expected to deliver on that agreement. You are given a new name and told of your new identity and again it doesn’t quite fit, it feels off. That was adoption to me. Even when I have found my bio family, I am forever feeling I am in a foreign land.
11/24/2018 4:37 PM
No
11/24/2018 3:29 AM
Sick of the adoptees & birthmothers working in the industry Making money Thinking their version of coercion is ok Fuck all of you throwing the next generation under the bus
11/23/2018 7:50 AM
I have found my story after 25+ yrs of searching at the age of 65 with bent knee before a judge. The stories that were spun to keep my story from me, and my lineage, were borderline obscene. After finding the truth of my story, and my birth-mother, I’ve solidified the value of how absolutely upside down the adoption system actually is. In 1996, 1 in 4 people in America were touched by the term adoption, and nearly 100k people were searching for their denied lineage. Today, television networks flaunt the search process and tear jerking reunions while feeding the “genetic” side of the industry. They -are- tear jerking journeys, for those that have traveled. I have no idea where this is going, yet there’s always hope that ‘insiders’ of the industry might get a glimpse of what is being done to the family units within America. Follow the guns, and you’re bound to find a very prosperous adoptive industry. God bless
11/22/2018 11:20 PM
My message: Try to understand that within each of us (whether we are vocal about it or not), we have mixed emotions that only we can address and resolve. Try to be a little understanding of us and understand that we love our parents and despite whatever may happen, our love for our parents and family will never go away.
11/20/2018 6:26 PM
Open records for all states.
11/20/2018 1:24 PM
I’m old. Ready to kick the bucket. My life has played itself out already. Let the young kids work it out. Honestly. I’ve found who my mother was. Where I was born, who my family is. It’s too late.
11/20/2018 8:48 AM
Adoption is not the solution to poverty and patriarchy, but rather a consequence thereof. On the case of transnational adoptions, it is a commercialized practice, a trade, It is absurd that governments in the political West subsidize adoption to make it affordable for the privileged to adopt the children of the poor in the global South. It is absurd to contribute to crowdfunding an adoption with the purpose to save a child from poverty. The least one can expect from adopters is that they can afford to adopt without having to beg.
11/20/2018 5:23 AM
I am face with 5 illness and they might have probably been prevented if family medical history was known and as an adult I am frustated about not knowing my ancestry. This make me extremely angry because I am being treated as a child that have not voice. I will vent my anger in a possitive way by educating people on adoption and why some of us died early and some kill themselve. Plus some medication are denied by insurance company there is no family history. again leaving the adoptee to died early because they are not allow to know such information. when an natural child has all this at their finger tip. It is my Hypotsis that they feel incomplete. however, imcoplete could mean many thing to some individuals. I know a natural parnet alway support their children. However, yes, I intend to education myself on changing law. Right now I just one person going against a gaint. I know for a fact I need voice behind me. I am 56 not an infant.
11/20/2018 5:15 AM
I believe the practice of adoption is cruel and dehumanizing and should be banned.
11/20/2018 4:29 AM
The least that could be done is to match the adoptive family to the birth family intellectually. No adoptions should be closed, ever!
11/20/2018 4:15 AM
It is not an event but a lifetime journey. It impacts every milestone and aspect of life. Closed adoptions should be rare.
11/20/2018 4:09 AM
It’s terrible.
11/20/2018 3:51 AM
Adoption is the cruelest joke played on unsuspecting children.
11/20/2018 2:38 AM
More support for family preservation, ban private adoptions – they should all be handled by the state, ban re-homing, automatic citizenship for all foreign adoptees, ban crowdfunding for adoption, ban adoption ads, ban adoption fairs, the US should ratify the UNCRC, ban adoption from countries with a high corruption index, be more careful with transracial adoptions, stricter screening of adoptive parents, more post adoption followups, more resources for adoptees concerning loss of name, language, culture, mirroring etc.
11/20/2018 1:41 AM
Child trafficking should be dealt with with capital punishment. You steal and sell other peoples children you should be killed on national television. All of them profiting from this should. I´ll be happy to whimp or stone them to death, for all the hurt caused to me and others, all the effort they have made to hide our past, and redact censure and restrict access to the truth – they know they are doing wrong or they wouldnt feel the need to hide the traces or burn evidence we Will come for you, burn down the house, scatter your belongings and divide your wealth. you can try to repent, and maybe we only frye you in the chair and take your wealth to help out those in need but if you participate in some way in stealing and selling other peoples children you can not expect to any mercy the UN convention for child rights is clear, and you have violated many. I can see no reason why we shouldnt do as China and execute child traffickers- what would you do if it was your children? Watch as we deal with how you treated our brothers and sisters
11/20/2018 1:01 AM
Only Bird’s Imprint Humans Come With Cords
11/16/2018 12:16 PM
I am a transracial/transnational adoptee. I was three when my adoption began and six when it was finished. I was speaking a different language and my adoptive parents never made or attempted to make any effort to help me continue speaking my birth language or practicing my birth culture
11/16/2018 2:54 AM
I would love for society to better understand the complexities of adoption and the developmental trauma that can likely be caused by the separation of parent/child. In cases of well documented abuse I don’t think removing a child is ever the wrong choice but the child’s safety both physical and emotional must be paramount in the choice of placement. Original documents should never be taken away, sealed or altered in any way.
11/15/2018 5:07 PM
I think there needs to be best practices guidelines for adoption agencies, and prospective adoptive families. There needs to be more qualitative studies on adoptee needs, especially around when to tell a child they are adopted, as well as handling the concerns of adoptees.
11/15/2018 2:24 AM
The biggest hurdle is dismantling the “feel-good” perceptions of adoption, and the automatic assumption that adoptees are or should be “grateful.” These practices are rooted in shame and reflect what feels like a concerted effort to keep adoptees in line, as it uses our greatest fears– abandonment and being unloved– against us.
11/14/2018 6:57 PM
There needs to be more awareness of the DIFFERENT kinds of adoption. Those who are most vocal seem to have only negative experiences and mine was not. It makes it hard to relate to the adoption community when I don’t share their anger.
11/14/2018 3:35 PM
I’m a trans racial adoptee. I’m a LDA, so I was gaslighted into believing that I was white. I still do not know how “Caucasian” was legally allowed to be on my birth certificate, I have to assume my birth mother had that on hers. I experienced racism on a daily basis all of my life, but instead of being able to deal with the issue, I was told that I’m “just tan.” Every other kid was just imagaining things. I never learned to deal with society being racist towards me because I was raised to believe that racism was a problem for others, not for myself. I now have horrible identify disorders, shuffling between cluster b personality disorder diagnosises. I have some complex and super troublesome thoughts about race in our society that I have to fight with because I know they are wrong and only a product of this experience. I’ve never been able to do much advocacy, I can only say that I hope to put this story out there so someone will realize that racial gaslighting is something that is possible- and extremely harmful.
11/14/2018 12:20 AM
Medical information should never be withheld at the time of adoption and should be updated yearly by the birth parent(s). As a child, it was embarrassing and uncomfortable not to be able to say I look like my mother or I act like my dad. As an adult, I have no idea what my medical history looks like and it’s frightening whenever something happens. Doctors always ask and I have to shrug my shoulders. Thousands of dollars are spent on lab tests because no one knows anything. I’ve been broke paying these bills.
11/13/2018 10:21 PM
I was molested repeatedly by multiple adoptive family members and their friends. My life was threatened; they told me I was a bastard, going to hell, and so disgusting my own mother didn’t want me. That began at age 12 and stopped when I moved away. With counseling, the nightmares continue but have lessened over the decades. God told NO ONE to create orphans. I was a paper orphan. My mother wanted me but she was single and poor – so much for the better life. Thanks DHS!
11/13/2018 7:17 PM
Family preservation – preventing the need for a child to need an adoptive family- should come first. As long as there is a demand for adoptable children and a profit motive to provide them, the child welfare system is not likely to be Child or adoptee centered.
11/13/2018 1:05 PM
Adoption should be a last resort and only for the welfare of the child, NEVER an answer to infertility.
11/13/2018 11:12 AM
I’m on a long journey trying to find peace, as the “better life” I was promised has in fact made me parent-less by the age of 21 with no family. I’m now alone at the age of 29 and yearn for the connection and relationships that many take for granted. I was cast out of my natural family as rubbish to be disposed of, and the “forever family” I was given through adoption saw me as non-existent upon my adoptive father’s death. I’m thankful for what adoption has taught me but I’ll never be grateful for what it has done to me. I get by as best as I can and embrace any sense of happiness when it comes by, but the soul crushing pain and loss from adoption will always be nearby, reminding me of all I should have had but never will. I’m open to eventually making peace with everything but I know it’ll be an ongoing process.
11/13/2018 8:10 AM
On the basis that it damages people and their emotional development, adoptees and adoptive parents need to be made aware of this, so they are prepared for the problems, and so they can try to find appropriate help, tailored to the needs of people who are abused and damaged in this way.
11/12/2018 2:50 PM
Adoption is trauma. It starts with separating a child from all that is known. That preverbal trauma can not be accessed or eradicated. It remains with the child throughout their entire life. This form of child abuse should be illegal.
11/11/2018 6:37 PM
Adoptees have every right to see their original birth certificates…we didnt ask for this. NOT EVERY SINGLE ADOPTED PARENT WAS SWEET NICE AND LOVING. Mine was a phyco baby lover and narcissist. Phycological testing needs to be done in future. And society ….. We ARE NOT ok with being interviewed or looked at like a damn science project u need to figure out. Stop looking at us that way.
11/11/2018 5:11 PM
Yes, talk to adult adoptees more
11/11/2018 12:36 PM
I think infants and young children are fully connected to their birth mothers. To not acknowledge that is insensitive and insincere. I’m not sure what the answer is for children whose parents cannot raise them, but I do believe that parents who would like to adopt should question their motives, and receive appropriate grief counseling, honestly all members of the triad should receive counseling. To deny a child their true heritage is a disservice, no matter how good the intentions. Adoption is trauma. Adoptees need to stop being told how bad their lives would be or how they should just be grateful. Hearing those things only make it worse.
11/11/2018 9:48 AM
I’ve only recently started to try to muddle through all of my thoughts and emotions regarding adoption. For me, there have been both positives and negatives. The positive is that I’m alive in the first place. I had a serious medical condition that would have killed me if I hadn’t been adopted and had access to better health care. Everything else is more complicated. I don’t believe that all of my mental health issues/being neurodivergent issues have been addressed or even acknowledged that something is going on because my parents feel that living in an orphanage delayed me, but that I will catch up. In regards to being given more opportunities to thrive, I don’t know that that is the case, because I didn’t get to grow up in my culture. I’m lucky enough to have WONDERFUL friends that are always willing to listen to me, and support my thought processes and decisions. I’ve never felt like I fit into my family, especially not my extended family. They all know me as their brother’s adopted kid from Russia. They never ask me anything besides how school is going. It’s pretty obvious that they have no desire to get to know me, and have no interest in having any sort of relationship with me. I was 16 when I learned that people actually have relationships with their extended family in real life, not just in books and TV. That being said, none of them are very nice people, so I don’t feel like I’m missing out too much there, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like.
11/11/2018 1:22 AM
Complex issue. Prefer to have socities where female babies are revered as much as males. So those socities dont throw away female babies out like trash and have to be adopted out or sit in foster care all their lives. Truly saddening. I am happy to be in America, but I have lost my culture, my history as a sacrifice. And I feel terribly hurt that I will never know my birth parents nor will they know me. Being adopted is like having a wound that will never heal.
11/10/2018 8:28 PM
As an international adoptee from Korea, I feel that Korea needs to adjust its society to not have such levels of family shame, bloodline shame, poverty shame, etc. Then, the need for adoption (from korea) would be reduced. People should never be taken from their home country to because someone else “wants an asian baby” or other objectified, narcissistic, labor, or redemption, or white savior reasons.
11/10/2018 6:52 PM
International adoption should be very rare. All adoptions should be open.
11/9/2018 10:45 PM
It’s a lifelong disease
11/9/2018 3:48 PM
Hear us, we have been wounded and are trying to heal.
11/9/2018 1:02 PM
Birth certificates should not be amended. Adoptees should have access to all their records at 18, free of charge! Adoption should focus on the needs of children FIRST & FOREMOST, rather than adult’s wishes & desires. Only children that are truly orphans (not paper orphans) and children in foster care after every attempt to help family reunification has failed should be available for adoption. Adoption should be more like legal guardianship.
11/9/2018 9:29 AM
Adoption is very much like an arranged marriage, with very little information on how to make a match work and one party unable to advocate for themselves. Most of us experience great discomfort at the idea of an arranged marriage for ourselves but are completely ok with it with regards to placing babies and children. Without any of the facts there are high levels of trust in this process and almost no curiosity and exploration.
11/9/2018 3:19 AM
There is no such thing as a save adoption without people make money out of it. without people suffering from it. the only way is to forbidden it, make it and international crime. a crime against humanity. I always sad that I rather have no children than adopt one, knowing that I create suffering for others because of my greedy need.
11/8/2018 11:22 PM
Adoption has giving me opportunities that I would have never had otherwise. It has provided me with a stable loving family who wanted me from day one. I struggled for a long time with my identity and finding my bio mother helped address those problems but at the end of the day she’s no more my mother than the doctor that helped birth me. She gave me a way into this world but it’s taken me a long time to realize that my identity is not tied to her or her lack of existence in my life. I am better for my adoption and I do feel lucky every day that someone stepped in to give me a life most don’t get to lead.
11/8/2018 7:11 PM
Adoption is a very complex thing. People believe that after you adopt there will be no reprocussuons as long as you “love the child as your own” but this is untrue. Most adoptees struggle with issues such as identity, racism and abandonment and trauma issues. This needs to be more educated. It wasn’t until my early 20s when I realised I had anxiety related issues due to being an adoptee and it was only until I got professional help that I understood this. If my parents had known the signs and symptoms maybe they could have helped me through this, but they didn’t know. Just like I didn’t. All throughout life I’ve longed for unconditional love, believing that people were going to leave me at a drop of a hat for no reason. Again, stemming from abandonment issues.
11/8/2018 6:54 PM
I just wish that I had my OBC. I am in reunion and still not allowed to have it. I believe it is because the Commonwealth of Virginia wants to hide all of the facts around adoptions prior to 1994. Since being in reunion I have found out that they tricked my birth mother who was in foster care at the time into signing over her rights.
11/8/2018 4:50 PM
Tel que l’on porte des maladie héréditaires, on porte les souffrances de ses ancêtres et de ne pas y avoir accès peut empêcher de s’épanouir ou de régler des maux. Les parents doivent être préparés car ils ont dans des cas la blessure de ne pas avoir pu faire d’enfant et ils répercutent les chagrin sur l’enfant adopté. Certains croient que leur enfant va guérir les blessures, mais ce n’est en aucun cas le rôle de l’enfant. Il fut aussi que les gens prennent conscience que avant d’être adopté, l’enfant a été abandonné et c’est tellement injuste et difficile à guérir comme blessure que les parents doivent prendre conscience de ça et que l’enfant qu’ils adoptent ne sera probablement pas comme ils l’attendent. Je suis pour l’adoption quand le but est de transmettre des valeurs à l’enfant, mais pas pour l’utiliser, combler un vide… Merci.
translation:
As one carries hereditary diseases, one carries the sufferings of his ancestors and not to have access to them can prevent to blossom or to regulate evils. The parents must be prepared because they have in some cases the injury of not being able to have children and they reverberate the sorrow on the adopted child. Some believe that their child will heal the wounds, but this is by no means the role of the child. It was also that people realize that before being adopted, the child has been abandoned and it is so unfair and difficult to heal as an injury that parents must become aware of this and that the child they adopt will probably not be as they expect. I am for adoption when the goal is to convey values ​​to the child, but not to use it, fill a void ... Thank you.
11/8/2018 4:14 PM
Being adopted is the same as being misplaced and fragmented. It was not until I found my birth family that I understood myself.
11/8/2018 2:07 PM
Do not adopt outside of your culture unless you are damn sure you will raise them in their own culture. America needs to make it easier for minority’s to adopt. The adoption process is set up solely for white middle class America, it is not right.
11/8/2018 12:17 PM
There is no right to parent. Human being are not a commodity. A human being doesnt BELONG to anyone. No one has the right to tell an adoptee how they are supposed to feel about being adopted.
11/8/2018 10:03 AM
Adoptees in search of their birth parents have to pay to get their information, if it’s even allowed in their state. I didn’t choose this and I am not a dirty little secret. Adoptive parents treated it like it was a dirty secret that they adopted me, wanted to pretend I was their bio child.
11/8/2018 9:50 AM
Society is full of judgement. And society uses shame and judgement to get what it wants..babies, a valuable commodity.
11/7/2018 9:15 PM
Family preservation should be the primary focus. Adoptions should only happen when absolutely necessary. No one should have their original birth certificate changed or kept from them. Adopees need access to counseling throughout their lifetime. Adoptors need to understand that adoptees need to be heard and may suffer from trauma.
11/7/2018 8:09 PM
Sossity, she ain’t listening
11/7/2018 7:30 PM
Please understand adoption is traumatic.
11/7/2018 7:22 PM
Adoption is barbaric. It needs to be stopped. The only ones who it benefits are the facilitators.
11/7/2018 6:03 PM
My second adoption was done without my input or consent, and I ended up with physically & emotionally abusive “parents.” I was old enough to know what I wanted, and I should have been able to make the choice myself. Also — the fact that I can’t now UNDO the adoption is incredibly frustrating. That needs to be an option available to any adoptee upon age of majority — we didn’t agree to be adopted (in most cases), and we shouldn’t be bound to that agreement for the rest of our lives. Finally: Society — LISTEN TO US. We’re the experts. We’re the ones who live this experience every day of our lives. Don’t call us “bitter” or “ungrateful” because our experiences don’t align with what YOU think they should be.
11/7/2018 4:54 PM
Just because we struggle from a biological level all the way to our entire being, it does not take away from or reduce our love for our FAMILY. I do not refer to my Aparents as such, they are my parents. Also…it is not Biological Families RIGHT to know us, it is OUR RIGHT to know them. We make the choice on who is part of our lives, the choice we never had before.
11/7/2018 4:46 PM
Adoption CAN be done really well – mine was! But I have seen such brokenness in the system and I believe we need to be fighting to make sure it’s done well EVERY TIME. More training for prospective adoptive parents both pre and post placement, more solid resources for all involved. Getting people aware and talking is such a great start!
11/7/2018 12:16 PM
I was adopted at birth. I was told when I was five. I was never allowed to ask questions about who my birth mother was or anything related to my adoption. I’ve grieved my whole life for my mom. I was angry at my adoptive mom. My adoptive father begged me to make peace and let it go because my adoptive mom was making his life hell. So I did,for him. They are both gone and I finally found my bio families. But my bio parents are gone. It’s too late for me. I will miss and mourn her for the rest of my life.
11/7/2018 12:08 PM
Adoptive parents need to be prepared for the complex effect adoption has on children. Counseling should be provided with professionals trained in adoption and/or trauma for the parents and children. Birth mothers need more support before and after the birth of the child. Adoption is not a simple, single experience. It is all-encompassing. It affects almost every aspect of life for those involved. Follow-up care and support should be required in the years after placement – not just through toddlerhood, but through the teen years and even until the child reaches adulthood. One more thing – closed adoptions need to be a thing of the past. No more secrets!
11/7/2018 11:19 AM
I have been very blessed. My extended family has even told me after we connected since last year that I didn’t miss much. However..since having my own child I am glad she has also met my family.
11/7/2018 10:57 AM
People who want to find their birth families have no support. No emotional support before legally able, and no support when they are legally able besides from volunteers who are hard to find. Luckily I found my family after searching for 20 something years and have made peace with all of it. But finding peace was hard. I hope more support is built.
11/7/2018 10:26 AM
Gotcha day , happy family day etc is terrible. Allow the adoptee to mourn the loss of family. Adoptees are people pleasers and would never tell you it hurts them.
11/7/2018 9:05 AM
I feel the adoptive parents should be vetted better. My parents were in their mid 40’s and both had physical and mental issues.not capable of raising children.
11/7/2018 8:45 AM
No
11/7/2018 7:00 AM
Adoption is child trafficking
11/7/2018 4:47 AM
I think adoption should be a RARE LAST CHOICE for a family. Family preservation should be paramount and mothers facing unplanned pregnancies should be given support and resources to help them keep their children. A child will always do better in their own biological family. Unless there are serious, permenant safety issues that make it impossible for the child to remain in their family, adoption should be off the table. Even in the case of extreme permanent safety issues, a guardianship should be considered instead of adoption. Adoption agencies need to be overhauled…there’s too much money in it which leads to corruption and unethical practices. Mothers should be made aware that their children will likely face serious issues resulting from their adoption…it should be required by law that they are notified and educated on ALL the issues that are statistically tied to adoption for both the adoptee and biological parent. I think potential adoptive parents should be screened better and should have to go through more training to prepare them for the experiences their child is likely to have. Too many are looking for small versions of themselves and believe nurture trumps nature, which just isn’t true, and the adoptee suffers due to the unfair expectations placed on them. Every adoptee should have access to their original birth certificate. It is their property…their right. This needs to be legislated immediately.
11/7/2018 3:27 AM
Take the money and the greed of agencies out of the equation. Stop using adoption as a cure for infertility.
11/7/2018 2:09 AM
The current state of adoption is profit driven, adult needs centric, and positively shameful. Corruption is rampant. Millions of dollars are made separating children from vulnerable women and families. The whole industry is predatory. My separation from my family was completely uneccsary and forced. Adoptees loss and struggle in life is not recognized or validated. Quite the contrary it is routinely overlooked, mocked and trivialized. At the very least adoptees need quality mental help throughout life. Many adoptees are burdened with the feelings and needs of the adoptive parents for their entire lives, at the cost of their own lives. We must stop this mental crippling of adoptees. Stop changing our identities for the desires and petty needs of adult adoptive parents. Release our birth certificates. Treat us as the children of loss that we are. Stop minimizing and ignoring our trauma. There is no such thing as a failed adoption, only a family preserved. Stop pretending it’s about god or helping a child in need when you pray for a mother and her child to not be ripped apart for your benefit. It’s taken my whole life, 50+ years to sort out what happened to me and why my life has been so difficult and awkward. Adult adoptees must be listened to now, for it is a cruel lifelong struggle with no help whatsoever. We have lived the injustices and disenfranchised grief. Listen to adult adoptees. Thank you for asking and providing this survey.
11/7/2018 12:21 AM
People need to aknowledge that before a child is adopted, they experience a huge earth shattering loss! You hear all kinds of people talk about celebrating “Gotcha Days” and as an adoptee, that term stirs up all kinds of emotional turmoil within me every time I hear it. You know what would be more fitting? Some funeral type of ceremony on that day every year, so that the adoptee could grieve for what might have been and their family supprort them through it. How validating and healing would that be? Then there might be some of us who could actually enjoy our birthdays.
11/7/2018 12:17 AM
How it can still be going on in this day and age is outrageous.
11/6/2018 11:37 PM
Society needs to know the true experiences of adoptees. We’ve been shamed into silence for too long. Adoption strips an adoptee of their identity and leaves a gaping hole.
11/6/2018 10:54 PM
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