Free Form Responses: Adoptee Perceptions. Your Lived Experience. NAAM18 (Part 2)

I “found” my birth parents myself, no thanks to the legal system. The Florida system is set up to “protect” birth parents & give me no access to my adoption records or original birth certificate. Who or what are they protecting? Even my birth father is curious about what info is included (he did not know about the pregnancy). I need “permission” from my parents (adopted & birth) to maybe gain access. This is ridiculous regardless of the relationship I have with them, for an over 18 adult to need my parents (adopted) permission for access to my records. I can go on and on….
11/6/2018 10:42 PM
Angered that state and Gov can erase my first identity. And that for years I had to wait for permission to know who i was born as. children r not really blank slates that can be conditioned over.
11/6/2018 10:04 PM
Be sure you educate yourself on the trauma adoption causes before you decide it is right for your family.
11/6/2018 8:59 PM
All adoptions today should be open adoptions. Though I suffered with abandonment issues, anxiety, low self esteem, nightmares, not fitting in with my peers, and depression as an adult, I feel extremely fortunate to have been adopted. My parents and extended family treated me as though I had been born into the family. No one in my family ever talked about me being adopted. A confidential intermediary found both sides of my bio family last year. I have met all of them except for my bio siblings on both sides who want no contact. My maternal family is wonderful. My bio father was a mean drunk who totally destroyed my siblings. My bio mom was also an alcoholic, a thief, a pathological liar, and she slept around. She also destroyed my siblings. So I am very glad I was not raised with my bio parents.
11/6/2018 8:51 PM
Adoptees have very few to no rights. Adoptees did not have a say in the adoption decision and adult adoptees continue to not have a voice in many things concerning their own existence.
11/6/2018 7:46 PM
Adoptees truly need a voice. And a much more open policy to our medical records. We shouldn’t be stripped of all personal identity, background, and other vital information.
11/6/2018 7:43 PM
We should have complete access to our records. It is absolutely insane that we adoptees are denied our records and heritage. I’m so angry about and I’m 64 years old.
11/6/2018 7:28 PM
Listen to us. We LOST OUR FAMILIES!
11/6/2018 7:18 PM
Adoption is the worst thing that every happened to me. Adoption stole my family from me. Adoption stole my name and my birth certificate from me. Adoption made me feel like I was second best, not a person in my own skin. Adoption made me feel indebted to my adopted parents. Adoption took away my inner identity as well as my public identity. Adoption made me someone I was not supposed to be. Adoption made me fight to get people to see my needs. I am an activist. My own two families see me as a troublemaker. Adoption is the troublemaker. I did not need a new home. I did not need a new name nor a new birth certificate. My father was given no support after his wife, my mother, died when I was an infant. My adoptive parents believed they wanted a baby and they took me from my family, renamed me, and then told me I had no right to ask questions. They could have handled it better. I grew up 6 miles from my own siblings. I was not allowed to know about them because I was the only child of two parents who loved me. That was the only thing that mattered. How I felt did not matter. And when the truth came calling on the phone at my age of 18 in 1974, I was called selfish for wanting my blood family back into my life. I tried to make the two families get along because I was a member of both. Too much fighting, bickering, all because I was in the middle. And becasue I am an activist. The adoptee should never, ever, have to lose her/his identity to be adopted. But then, if adopters were told that they cannot rename the child, that they cannot obtain a new birth certificate for the child they adopt, then they would feel that they aren’t parents. They aren’t. They are legally appointed guardians who do not share DNA with the child they adopt. Their names do not belong on a birth certificate. On an adoption certificate, yes, but they cannot replace they child’s parents. Adoption makes people believe that they magically become parents when they do not. They can and do socially parent and love a child. But they are not the child’s parents. They can be called parents. But they are not parents. Love be there between them and the child they care for, but they must accept reality. And the reality is that they did not sire nor gestate nor birth the adoptee. When adopters believe that they did, they are living in non-reality. That’s why adoptees are criticized when we speak the truth – because we refuse to live in non-reality.
11/6/2018 6:41 PM
Adoption has made me unsure of myself in most social situations. I feel unwanted and that if I am invited to a social activity that it is only because someone feels sorry for me. I have severe social anxiety. I worry about everything and can not enjoy my life because I always worry about the worst case scenario.
11/6/2018 6:27 PM
I think all adoption records should be available after 18. I think most non adoptees will never understand and shouldn’t judge. Stop saying” get over it”
11/6/2018 6:27 PM
Adoption isn’t a one size fit all, that others/government doesn’t know what is best for me, that as an adoptee I still have the right to know to all information pertaining to me
11/6/2018 6:26 PM
Social services (at least in Virginia) needs to make it easier for adult adoptees to receive their records without having to have biological parents and siblings sign consent
11/6/2018 6:16 PM
Adoption is trauma although many outsiders do not see it this way. It is a violation of human rights at its core that adoptees do not have access to their original birth certificates. I believe adoption should be abolished and “guardianships” should be established instead so that children have less of a struggle with their identity.
11/6/2018 6:13 PM
I believe adult adoptees should have the RIGHT to any and all I do about their biological family, especially medical info, but other info as well.
11/6/2018 6:12 PM
Just please start listening to what we have to say. We’ve been silenced too long and made to go along with the “adoption makes everything better” narrative
11/6/2018 6:09 PM
It’s time to move past the antiquated thinking that has impacted so many lives. We know better
11/6/2018 6:03 PM
There has to be counseling for everyone in the triad. I believe that adoptions should be more open and birthmoms should get help to try and keep the child. All adoptees should have access to their original birth certificate and info as soon as they are of legal age
11/6/2018 5:57 PM
Adoption should be child based in terms of Any decisions made. Adoption is been used by adults to address their need for a child without any thought for the needs of that child. Adoptees need someone to stand up for them and look after their needs.. Adoption defines our life’s without us even realising it .
11/6/2018 5:43 PM
Secrecy does not make things go away. Adoption is a trauma regardless of its intent or reasoning. If you want to raise a healthy minded adoptee, start by being healthy minded about it yourself including seeking help and guidance from someone well trained and knowledgeable in the effects of adoption separation from infancy on.
11/6/2018 5:40 PM
11/6/2018 5:35 PM
I think adoption is a wonderful thing. I know I have had a better life because my birth mother’s brave and selfless decision.
11/6/2018 5:34 PM
Adoptees should have access to Original Birth records as soon as they turn 18
11/6/2018 5:08 PM
We have the right to know who we are, where we came from. I feel a total loss of a culture and way of life
11/6/2018 5:08 PM
11/6/2018 4:58 PM
Adoption of older children whose parents’ rights were terminated by abuse is, sadly, sometimes necessary. Adoption of infants should be a rare as possible. Adoption of infants is a painful and permanent solution to what is often a temporary problem.
11/6/2018 4:56 PM
I believe that adoption can be an answer to the prayers of many couples that are unable to have a family otherwise, however, I do believe that the adoptee may face challenging identity issues. I have felt like I am on the outside looking in for my entire life and until recently I never knew why. I thought I just wanted to be like all the other kids I knew so I’d fit in and all adolescents go through those feelings, but I now realize at the age of 37, I have always felt like I was an outsider more than any other child that I have encountered.
11/6/2018 2:07 PM
In many ways my adoption has made me the person I am today, for good and bad. It will remain a part of my identity always.
11/6/2018 12:43 PM
The emotions surrounding adoption for an adoptee can be very complex, and for me, very private. Adoptive parents I’ve met tend to overlook this.
11/6/2018 7:52 AM
I should not have been born- I was adopted by a very abusive woman (and her husband was afraid to stand up to her so allowed the abuse) and I and also my kids have had a lifetime of suffering because of this, with NO one on our side to protect us. We have in NO way benefitted from this adoption- it has only been a lifetime of abuse that we should never had. I should have been an abortion. Every child should be a wanted, loved, cared for child and everyone should have the right to know their family of origin. Adoption has nothing to do with doing what’s best for the adoptee- it is all about creating a pretend family for the adoptive “parents” and making lots of $$$ for the adoption industry.
11/6/2018 3:40 AM
Children of adoption are usually looked at as ‘mistakes’ of the birth parents. Children are not mistakes adoptees have the right to know who they are and where they come from. It’s time to stop the secrecy,
11/5/2018 11:22 PM
Read to validate and understand The Primal Wound
11/5/2018 9:10 PM
11/5/2018 8:20 PM
Inter country Adoptions should stop until citizenship has been granted to all adoptees and we stop reporting adoptees. The US government is guilty of crimes against humanity.
11/5/2018 7:05 PM
While I sympathize with those who cannot have children, taking someone else’s child and perpetuating trauma on both mother and child is not an acceptable solution. I only got to meet my first mom for the first time this year and I’m 34. 34 years not knowing who I looked like, where I came from and being told to be grateful I wasn’t aborted, sucked. Being told to be grateful that I wasn’t aborted when I was raised in a home with verbal and emotional abuse and especially as a teen wished that I would have been aborted rather than deal with all the pain of being wanted nowhere. We need to make families staying together a priority and adoption a last resort
11/5/2018 6:54 PM
Any statement I would make regarding this question would be from the perspective of a first mother. My lived adoptee experience has been ‘ideal’, if there is such a thing.
11/5/2018 3:53 PM
Adoption is a beautiful thing but I firmly believe that once an adoptee reaches 18 they should have full access to all records and in formation.
11/5/2018 3:08 PM
I wish that more adoptees with positive experiences would speak out. I am often attacked online when I post that my adoption was a great event in my life.
11/5/2018 11:15 AM
It is an abomination that adoptees cannot get our own birth certificates and medical history. I am 56 and the State of Texas does not trust me to see my own birth certificate. I learned that I am predisposed to heart problems when my cardiologist cleared a 99% blockage and told me I have “shit genes.” Adoptees should have access both to original medical histories and to updated ones throughout our lives. It is too important to keep hiding our medical histories, both for the adoptees and our children, grandchildren, etc.
11/5/2018 11:09 AM
Please just hear the stories good or bad do not shame others for there feelings. Adoption is a great thing, but parents who do this journey need to know it’s a life long journey one that can be sad and happy. I hope people and adoptees against adoption see my work as trying to fix the pot holes in the road to make it a better experience. Adoption needs to happen more and shouldn’t be this 3-5 year process we need to make it more effective for all involved. I get mad when people say I missed out on something by not growing up in my latin culture like I somehow am damaged. I have moments when I wish I had but I love that my parents pushed for me to be involved and find my way. I also get mad when people say I’m not what my family is, I was adopted into a Irish Italian family and I’ve had some people say will I’m not well fuck them I am. I also hope prospective adoptee parents have more help bringing their colored children up in this world and realize the magnitude of what they are doing and why they need to go into that culture to walk with their child and advocate when the voices aren’t being hear. Out there body on the line for the future of their child. I want more training and support groups
11/5/2018 9:58 AM
We are not tools to fix marriages or to fill voids and create happiness. We did not lead better lives just different ones. And we had an identity before our names were changed; these are facts that can’t be dismissed or whitewashed.
11/5/2018 6:51 AM
If religion is involved, especially Catholics and evil nuns, there should be an investigation as the religion may not support single birth mothers or women generally.
11/5/2018 3:24 AM
Adoption provided me with my wonderful family. Now I have parents and siblings. I have love for both my adoptive and birth family (although they left me at an orphanage and i don’t know why) – my Faith is my main source of strength to cope. I am confident in encouraging others and sharing my story. When I was in middle school, i realized i was abandoned. My parents were (and still are) such good role models to other adoptive parents because they only speak positively and open about adoption. There was never any room to feel unwanted – and when I expressed sadness, they grieved with me. I’m thankful, because I know not all adoptees lives are like mine.
11/4/2018 10:34 PM
Not at this time.
11/4/2018 9:39 PM
I was adopted and we adopted our daughter at birth. Her birth FATHER made the choice for adoption. We had contact prior to birth and minimal afterwards. Our daughter’s birth parents just disappeared. It was sad, but we never lost hope that we would connect again one day. And we did! We now have an online relationship and have learned so much about each other and her bio extended family. There is a lot of addiction and hurt in our daughter’s bio family. It’s a lot for a teen to process, but makes her love and appreciate them even more. We are all grateful. We all feel God led us to each other for the adoption as well as the timing of meeting again 13 years later. It’s impossible to explain! It’s that amazing! Birthfathers rock!
11/4/2018 8:29 PM
Adoptees were commodities in the closed adoption era. Birth mothers were voiceless. Adoptive parents had more rights than anyone else in the triad. I have spent the majority of my life fighting the demons that were a result of the whole process. Adoptees have lived it and we deserve to have our voices heard.
11/4/2018 8:16 PM
I wouldn’t be the mature, self-sufficient, well-adjusted citizen of society I am today without adoption. I wouldn’t have graduated college, have a healthy marriage, and be prepared at now 25 years old to have my first child. I would definitely have dropped out of high school, had several children, and be living a life of extreme poverty and use of government assistance.
11/4/2018 8:14 PM
Adoption is traumatic to the child, and I believe in family preservation if at all possible.
11/4/2018 6:44 PM
Went from trash to a home i can grow up in.
11/4/2018 5:29 PM
Adoptees in my generation were used to fix problems like bad marriages, helpers for the disabled/mentally ill, and an emotional panacea for infertility. The open marketing of children today as pricey commodities for the rich have further obscured the unique needs and personhood of adoptees. What we call adoption here is known as child trafficking in other countries. Some have said a day of reckoning is coming in the US for these practices. Right now the average person untouched by adoption thinks it is wonderful. Since adult adoptees (like me) are shut down by others for even suggesting adoption is a painful experience, I know that society isn’t ready to hear us. I wish that could change.
11/4/2018 2:36 PM
I should have my full medical history/heritage as a matter of right.
11/4/2018 2:23 PM
As an adoptee, there is a myriad of emotional struggle and pain that most don’t realize. The word family is A very emotionally charged/loaded word. I have always struggled with that word, because I don’t know what it means.
11/4/2018 1:11 PM
As and adoptee who was a part of the closed adoption system and did not have access my birth information I came to realize I related to marginalized minorities because of the inequality I experienced. This fueled a high level of anger, that fortunately I have been able to channel into helping others.
11/4/2018 11:54 AM
I had a wonderful life in my adoption. I wouldn’t change a thing
11/4/2018 11:52 AM
Adoption is an imperfect solution to a larger societal problem. We need to pass legislation that supports women and children so fewer women find themselves in a position where they feel relinquishing their rights is beneficial for their child. We have to make housing, childcare, and healthcare affordable. We have to give all children access to good education. We have to stop international adoptions from taking place.
11/4/2018 11:35 AM
no right to medial history, hard to get information on birth parents,too much religious influence, so many lives destroyed for for no reason only born out of wedlock. Church should attone
11/4/2018 11:21 AM
My parents were always open about my adoption. My mother tells me stories of her rocking me when I was an infant calling me her little adopted baby. This was always something to celebrate, not to push under the rug. My mother is unable to have children, so by my birth mother selecting my family she gave them her dream to nourish and watch grow.
11/4/2018 10:50 AM
I have PTSD, DID, GAD and depression from how I was treated in my adoptive home. There was no one to protect me. My birth mother found me when I was 13, but my adoptive parents did not tell me until I was 26, which is when I met her. I am 53, so all of this was before mail-in DNA tests. But there will be a tsunami of people suffering out-of-the-fog situations and birth reunion trauma throughout the globe. Wars that are creating orphans, immigrant fear, and policies like the U.S. has of family separation at our borders are creating problems like we’ve never seen before.
11/4/2018 10:02 AM
Each adoptee is different. How we feel, is different. How we cope/react, is different. We need to learn and respect individuals, and stop lumping people together.
11/4/2018 9:29 AM
Denying adoptees information about their biological parents and their origins should be regarded as a civil rights violation and is abusive.
11/4/2018 9:02 AM
My struggle with being adopted is not for lack of love but more of a life plan and expectations. My parents were older when they adopted me. My mom passed away when I was 18 and I find myself taking care of my 80 year old father in my late 20’s. But in reality my whole 20’s was spent taking care of him and dealing with his dementia. I feel like I’ve never had the opportunity to have my own life to find my own identity especially since I was adopted. I love my father and I appreciate the love I was given as a child but I feel like as an adult that I have no parents anymore it’s just me trying to give myself the little life experience I can so I can figure out who I am. If anything should be taken away from this, I would implore stricter guidelines with older adults having a life plan/financial plan/cultural immervion plan when they adopt their children. It should not be the adoptees who suffer trying to pick up the pieces since they were the ones “chosen”. It is no “good” life, if you dont even have one. I struggle with whether or not I regret being adopted. I know my life would have been a struggle but at least I would have had my birth mother and my brother, sister, and many cousins to grow with. It’s been very solitary for me, taking care of my father.
11/4/2018 8:00 AM
I think about being adopted every day of my life. I am 50 years old. Three of my four parents are deceased. I carry guilt for not having good relationships with them. The pain of it is something I can never escape. “No one meant to hurt you” is what my original mother says, the only living parent. Then why did I get hurt?
11/4/2018 7:49 AM
All adoptees should have access to names and also a complete medical history. It is our right to have this information.
11/4/2018 7:22 AM
It is a very complex experience. Each individuals experience with adoption is as unique as their reaction and response to being adopted. It is important to not assume that all experiences or responses are the same. Some adoptees claim to think about being adopted very little, whereas others struggle more and seek further information. It is important to be sensitive to the needs of adoptees on all points in the adoptee spectrum.
11/4/2018 7:11 AM
I was looking for similarities growing up, I was confused because I didn’t look like my momma or daddy. Not my brothers or anyone, my momma was a family friend so she adopted me and kept me growing up with my biological Grandmaw, sister and one of my brothers (I would see the other one about three times until I was eighteen) I was hurt, confused, relieved, and a lot more emotions that I have worked through. I have realized that I was better off to be honest with my adopted family they gave me a wonderful childhood that I wouldn’t have had with my biological family, I have a friend relationship with my biological mom I talk to my biological sister and brother with a wonderful family of my own now.
11/4/2018 6:45 AM
Adoption is trauma. That’s an uncomfortable sentence, and a true sentence. Much more needs to be done in relation to research and education around this trauma for all parties involved in adoptions. Adoption should be rare, a genuine last resort, and not a “solution” to infertility.
11/4/2018 6:17 AM
Children should be adopted to countries and cultures that are similar to theirs. I describe my process of “taking a tropical fish out of their tank and putting in a cold water fish tank “
11/4/2018 2:00 AM
I would like society to know that adoption is a very complex issue. And people who have been adopted experience it in different ways and it is not always the happy or pleasant experience that the media portrays it to be.
11/4/2018 1:39 AM
It left a hole in my soul and most likely i will never find out where and with whom i was the first 2 years of my life.
11/4/2018 12:47 AM
Truth… we need to allow for truth and let adoptees know their birth stories. I want to know if I really was adopted at birth as my birth mother said she was told. I want to know why 2 months later I weighed the same amount as when I was born. Was I sickly and the first adopted parents gave me back? I WANT MY LIFE STORY…Its MINE!!!
11/3/2018 11:59 PM
Please don’t talk about an adoptee getting a “Better Life” by just being adopted. It’s not always true. Just stop pouring glitter on loosing your mother and family for (our own?) benefit. Some of us will grow up in adoptive homes lacking financial stability. We’ll wear hand-me downs and eat Ramen noodles. Some of us will grow up with a single parent. As the second adoptive parent could die early by accident or disease or addiction. Some of us will be abused/neglected/ and die at the hands of our adopters. You get the idea. Stop reading our fortunes from that crystal ball you won at the carnival! Better life – my arse! I WANT a spotted pony in the backyard and princess parties.
11/3/2018 11:32 PM
11/3/2018 10:58 PM
Adoptees need to be given a chance to be a part of the contract of adoption process when we become adults. Open records and remove the taboo once and for all.
11/3/2018 9:44 PM
11/3/2018 7:30 PM
If a child needs to be adopted because a parent is poor, then it is not about the family’s unity, it is about class. Adoption becomes an issues of class.
11/3/2018 6:51 PM
I believe society has a long way to go in terms of understanding all sides of adoption. I do believe consideration of the environment the adopted child is going into with the adoptive family is very important to prevent total isolation from culture and people with similar ethnicity.
11/3/2018 5:52 PM
I do not think anyone should be able to adopt a child without biological parents being included in that child’s life. Adoption has destroyed my life, my children’s lives, and probably the next generation after that. I am a ghost that walks between two worlds: my adopted family and my biological family. I don’t belong anywhere. I have trust issues. I don’t know or understand how to love others, and I envy my husband and children for their ability to take a risk in living others. I feel like a fraud because I’m broken inside and out, and I feel like when people look at me they can tell that I am broken. That I do not or will not ever belong. I’m the outsider.
11/3/2018 5:29 PM
Adoption has been a blessing to me, yet I do think that there are some cases when for others it hurts more than it helps. It’s so complicated, but in speaking out, I think we can help bring change.
11/3/2018 4:54 PM
Being an adoptee from Vietnam in 1973 I feel that those who came out in 1975 on the Baby Lifts are more accepted, it is almost as if those of us who came out prior to the Baby Lifts don’t matter
11/3/2018 4:39 PM
Adoption is never parents first choise, adoption shatters the bond of the biological mother and her child, which she actually loves! Adoption suppressed the adopted child, not being able to mourn for the loss of family, culture and history. Adoption is very post colonial. Adoption is child trafficking! Adoption is cruel. Adoption steels identities. Adoption uses poverty as an excuse. Adoptive parents are the villains of absorption and who starts the money profit of child trafficking. Adoptions destroys not only one generation, but several. Adoption turns the blind eye to medical history and wellbeing. Adoption should be stopped for good, especially intercountry adoption!
11/3/2018 4:25 PM
I think adoptees are super judgemental towards other adoptees who don’t feel lost or sad.
11/3/2018 4:01 PM
Having children is not a right. It is a privilege. And children are not a commodity or a pet to be bought and adopted to fill a gap or for vanity.
11/3/2018 3:41 PM
The societal narrative that adoption is a “win-win” for all parties was something that negatively permeated my life growing up. I never felt able or “allowed” to express the pain I experienced daily in fear of shattering others perception of adoption. I consistently put the opinions and thoughts of others and society above my own health and well-being and felt I was taught this through the societal construct of adoption and it’s place in the US. I struggled with mental illness, self harm and abuse which I feel stemmed in large from my experience with adoption.
11/3/2018 3:14 PM
11/3/2018 3:08 PM
Adoptee voices need to be heard
11/3/2018 2:31 PM
I think that people need to understand the complexity of adoption and abandonement that comes from being an adoptee. Therapy for everyone should be required. We need to work on how it impacts the adoptee and beyond.
11/3/2018 2:16 PM
I was sold like an object, i was a thing to them, they were seen as heroes and I was viewed as ungrateful because I was struggling. I was not loved and I was not wanted by my ultra conservative adoptive parents. I was never treated fairly and was neglected. Now as an adult I struggle with healthy relationships and I have to be careful what I say around people so they won’t leave me. I have very few friends and am pretty much a home body, and I would love if i didn’t have to leave my house but once in a while. My adoptive mother passed away and left me feeling even more abandoned even though I feel she didn’t love me. My adoptive dad remarried and forgot about me.
11/3/2018 2:09 PM
Don’t tell us how to feel! Acknowledge our losses, at birth and ongoing. Support us in reunion. Encourage family preservation. Offer birth mothers more support.
11/3/2018 1:54 PM
Non familiar adoption is baby theft in the service of fulfilling the fantasies of prospective adopted parents & punishing the poor, the ‘immoral’ and the vulnerable. Society largely lacks empathy for adoptees who have suffered the most profound loss of self and family and most of society has no idea what this is like and isn’t interested in learning. Adoption can be necessary in some cases but only adopted parents who can be honest and open with adoptees, including the adoptees responses and needs, can successfully parent.
11/3/2018 12:10 PM
Times have changed. I was born in 1961 an the rules an laws are basically unchanged. Both birth parents should be named an not allowed to use fake names (verified). Address at time of birth mandatory. Marital status at birth. Medical history for both mandatory an should have to update every 5 years.
11/3/2018 11:36 AM
Adoption is a problem, not a solution!
11/3/2018 9:21 AM
Birth certificates should not be falsified. Child should be able to keep their identity. I have suffered attachment issues due to fear of abandonment, high anxiety and depression, from being passed around in foster care and then adopted. My relationships have suffered.
11/3/2018 7:48 AM
Adoption creates trauma and suffering , confusion and emotional problems . inevitable issues with identity and alienation . no child will venture through the adoption process unscathed . imbalances get produced from separation and also attachment issues . needs of the child become greater and more abstract . delicate care and continual loving dedication should be paramount and the child’s grief and pain recognised and gently understood . Adult adoptees continue to search for wholeness and resolve within themselves and relationship to life often comes with more challenges and personal difficulties due to lack of early infant support , lack of true understanding and compassion , mis -managed input within their childhood experiences leads to fragmented and self deprecating perceptions .
11/3/2018 7:31 AM
I so not believe in abortion for any reason. I thing the whole adoption industry should only be handled by actual adoptees. I am 62 years old and this still is an open wound by how it was handled. My strongest memory emblazoned in my brain is my adoptive dad referring to me as “an adopted piece of shit”. This usually happened when I routinely stood in front of my mom when I grew up to stop him from beating her up. Great placement, Catholic services.
11/3/2018 7:23 AM
Since meeting my birth family I feel very blessed and thankful that my parents took me into their home and loved me unconditionally! I have met siblings and have grown close to some. I do believe all things happen for a reason and I have truly been blessed my whole life.
11/3/2018 6:59 AM
11/3/2018 6:44 AM
I am grateful that there is an adoption system in place. What hurts me is that people say and think things about adoptees in a careless manner. Also my history is not open to me. It is a crazy system that drives me crazy sometimes.
11/3/2018 6:37 AM
Being adopted sucks to start with. The list of things I could say is truly endless about the subject.
11/3/2018 6:31 AM
Adoption is trauma. It has manifested in my life at such an early age. It is a wound that will never go away. You can put a band aid on it, but band aids always come off. I’m an adoptee from Colombia raised in the United States. I lost my first family, my country, my language, my culture, my identity. Adoption is not the best solution. We need to focus on family preservation. Keep families together. Make resources available to mothers. We need to expose the corrupt adoption system to the world. Expose the falsified paperwork, forced relinquishments, stolen babies. Human trafficking is real and it’s a business. We need to expose all involved in such organizations including the government and orphanages. I am a product of such corruption in Colombia. I am just one of thousands. My voice needs to be heard. All adoptees voices need to be heard.
11/3/2018 6:30 AM
WOW. what a enormous question. I have to begin with today. I am seriously happy. I am 54 years old and finally found almost complete happiness. However there is always something missing. There always has been. I was very fortunate to be adopted by great parents, in particular my mum. She was an amazing woman. I am honoured to be her son. I had a relationship with my birth mother for 25 years, what a complex and difficult thing. Sadly like too many surrendering mothers she has poor mental health. This has made the relationship, well not a good one. For me, I am sad that I have nowhere where I really belong.. A family tree for me is a small shrub. So… My world begins with me. Adoption from my time. State and church sponsored child stealing.
11/3/2018 6:23 AM
Adoption is necessary in many circumstances. However the child is the one who loses rights. Everyone deserves to know where they came from if at all possible.
11/3/2018 6:06 AM
Understand that the adoptee has suffered a trauma of separation. For the international adoptee, understand there is a loss of the child’s first language and culture. Correct these issues or face them, not disregard these realities.
11/3/2018 6:00 AM
Adoption if done rightly and for the right reasons can be life-saving or life-bettering. However, I also understand many adoption experiences have been traumatic and resulted in abuse in the adoptive home as well. Each case and story is different. We can’t put a blanket-statement on adoption and see it as all-good or all-bad.
11/3/2018 5:57 AM
I hope adoptions today are handled differently to how I see my own adoption being handled in the 1960’s.
11/3/2018 5:11 AM
Society still seems to find adoption shameful. I wish I had my original birth certificate earlier and had a relationship with my birth family growing up.
11/3/2018 5:10 AM
I think it should be well known that the churches and religious organizations do use deceptive practices to convince biological parents to give up their child. I believe is should be more well known how much money these organizations make when adopters decide to continue with their organization. I think revenue from adoption should be legally enforced to go back to the communities where impoveroshed children came from, if that was the case. I learned so much as am adult that I think my adoptive parents were blind to when they weny through the process. My parents are caring people, and if they knew some of the things I know now, I am not sure they would have supported certain organizations.
11/3/2018 4:17 AM
11/3/2018 2:13 AM
In my experience it has not been a happy ending and lota of trauma. I dont regret the family i was raised in but i tegret and pained being seperated from my family; especially if i knew everyone in my immediate adoptive family died. I loved my dad and brother like blood, we wete supposed to grow old together.
11/3/2018 1:00 AM
Adoption has ruled my life. Who I am, how I feel and think. I don’t know who I am and feel such an outcast. I feel most people find discussion about adoption too hard therefore ignore it. I want to shout to the world how much it has ruined my life. I hate not being part of my biological family. I am no one.
11/3/2018 12:02 AM
I never feel like I belong in any setting. I have detachment issues. I believe strongly that all adoptees should be given their original birth certificate at the age of 18.
11/2/2018 11:23 PM
Above, I mentioned an adoptee support group. It was not a support group, but I had two brothers and four cousins who were also adopted. I think it really helped me feel normal. I found my also adopted birth half sister. In her case she knew no other adoptees and always felt different. Society should know it’s wrong to erase our origin and keep it from us. I’m so much happier knowing my birth story and where i Come from. I used to cry during those genealogy shows. Above I mentioned not fitting in in my family. I fit in with my dad, but not my mom. I loved her, but it was hard to be a girl raised by a mom who didn’t have anything in common.
11/2/2018 8:52 PM
11/2/2018 8:32 PM
Everyone’s experience is different, many of us are outside successful but struggled with life long issues such as not belonging and abandonment fears.
11/2/2018 8:11 PM
Adoption is horrible for many many adopted children, unless you lived it, you cannot understand how terrible it is to be adopted. It basically ruined my life. I waited 64 years to meet a brother, and that has helped, but I will never be fixed.
11/2/2018 7:25 PM
I believe there needs to be a lot more investigation done on the mental health of adoptive mother’s and they should have HAVE to take classes on how to care for the mental well being of the adopted child, and I’m not talking about a two hour class, I’m talking about a 6 month class. If a couple really wants a child they must jump through the hoops and be prepared, educated to identify and care for the traumatized adopted child.
11/2/2018 7:21 PM
Become educated on the adoptees perspective and experience. Know that adoption is trauma for the child and help support adopted children.
11/2/2018 6:52 PM
I was abused by adoptive family and told I should not have kids because I would be breeding criminals. I was trash in there eyes and my moms Indian heritage was denied and I feel I resonate with native Americans and or black people only. I hate that I have any white heritage
11/2/2018 6:49 PM
Adoption as it is practiced today clearly puts the needs of the adoptive parents first. More support should be given to birth families and adoptees. All adoptees should have access to their original birth certificates at age 18 if desired.
11/2/2018 6:44 PM
It is a struggle to fit in anywhere or with anyone. Hard to make connections and I always feel others would be better off without me in their lives.
11/2/2018 6:40 PM
Adoption must be abolished immediately. A Stewardship, guardian model would suffice when a child needs care outside of their biological family. Adoption destroyed my life. The day I was born was the same day I died.
11/2/2018 5:39 PM
I think that once you find biological family, you should be allowed all records.
11/2/2018 5:02 PM
Adoption is death. It is a splitting in two of a child who grows up never really belonging in their adoptive family or their birth family after reunion. There is no recognition of loss for the adoptee, or validation of how this loss has affected their entire life. There are very few adoption competent therapists available to help with issues of abandonment, rejection, identity and the ever present haunting of how life might have been – if only… If only I had have received the support I needed as a child, if only I had have known that my struggles were normal within the context of adoption, if only I had have been kept and my birth mother had have been supported to keep me. Always two worlds – the one that was and the one that might have been.
11/2/2018 4:52 PM
Honesty should be foremost bc your life is snapped in half when LDA happens
11/2/2018 4:47 PM
Adoption is an adult concept. Expecting children to understand their adoption without grief or confusion is cruel.
11/2/2018 4:32 PM
With recent advancements in technology, I have been able to find my biological parents. I had not realized the impact of not knowing my biology had had on me until now. Adoptees should have full access to biological history. Adoptees should be able to learn about the decisions made on their behalf before they had a voice.
11/2/2018 4:17 PM
11/2/2018 4:15 PM
Unfettered OBC and other info access is critical for adoptees. We were not blank slates, and we grow up and (many) have kids of our own. The severing of our histories wounds us and future generations.
11/2/2018 4:15 PM
Society needs to know that people who are adopted suffer from abandonment issues , other family members saying “ your not blood “ identity issues and an empty void when you can’t find your birth family .
11/2/2018 4:07 PM
Adoption as it is practiced is the result of a patriarchally driven and religiously suppressed society. Address those two issues to permanently reduce the need for adoption.
11/2/2018 4:06 PM
Adoption wounded me, society’s misguided understanding of what an adoption really means finished me of. I’m so very disappointed how society has treated me. Adoptive parents are a larger group than birth mothers and adoptees combined, not to mention their higher socioeconomic status. Adoption is a classic case of stronger people abusing weaker.
11/2/2018 3:49 PM
How dare you steal my identity, who do you think you are to mess with my life like that, my children’s lives, my grandchildren’s lives. What of my culture, my family history, my siblings, my medical history and therefore my health and well being and that of my children’s & grandchildren’s health. We all have a right to know, You know your parents, your siblings, your family history, your culture, your family medical history why deny me?
11/2/2018 3:40 PM
In my case it was needed to probably save my life from a abusive step dad. Just because you are put in n a safe environment doesn’t make all the issues go away. We adoptees are traumatized kids that should of had lots of emotional support. I had none. Adoptive parents thought they had the answers, but clearly did not. Didn’t do their homework and know what they we’re getting involved with. Treated bio kids and me exactly the same. Very Wrong in my opinion. Not the same upbringing or life expectancies. Greatly disliked the word “grateful”. Adoption is a complex issue, a lot is misunderstood by society.
11/2/2018 3:09 PM
Adoptees should be able to get their original birth certificates when they reach adulthood!
11/2/2018 3:02 PM
Adoption is not all bad and adoption is not all good. There are complexities to it just as anything else. I feel society wants you to agree with either extreme and that is not how it should be. It’s different for everyone.
11/2/2018 2:44 PM
Let your children know that they are adopted from the very beginning and love them as if you gave birth to them.
11/2/2018 2:44 PM
Hard to develop relationships.
11/2/2018 2:12 PM
People always say they are doing what’s best for the child but in reality they are only doing what’s best or easiest for them and/or society. There should be NO secrets or sealed documents held from the adopted child and especially adopted adult.
11/2/2018 2:09 PM
Transracial adoption is imo a product of colonialism and ruled by capitalism. It’s a form of trafficking and should in it’s present form be abolished.
11/2/2018 1:24 PM
Please listen to us. Adoption should not be for profit. Family preservation should take precedence.
11/2/2018 1:24 PM
I am sad a lot of the time due to a part of myself that was ignored when I grew up. My adoptive parents were ignorant of adoption and still do not understand it. I am trying to heal but this process is pushing me deeper into the danger territory of self harm and thoughts of suicide. I have now got children myself and am passing on my pain to them and I hate myself for it. I may have other issues, but I feel my adoption is at the core of this pain.
11/2/2018 12:55 PM
Society needs to stop thinking that Adoption is wonderful and ‘saves’ children. Society needs to understand the loss and grief involved on adoption for both adoptees and natural parents. Get rid of adoption, children who need care shouldn’t have to lose their identity.
11/2/2018 12:45 PM
11/2/2018 12:43 PM
11/2/2018 12:41 PM
Adoption has stripped me of who I was to become someone new. Adoption should be about caring for another; to help someone in need not to fulfill a family fantasy. There should be no secrets no lies and no changing of identity until the said child has a say in their own life. Changing of birth certificates and mind games are wrong. DNA and heritage is important especially to an adopted person. Dismissing one persons information for the sake of matching your own is wrong. Unless the adoptee is treated correctly I do not believe in adoption especially at an age where the adoptee does not have any say. I know that I am not the first but I wish I could honestly say that I was the last lda. There has to be more done than just telling the parents to tell the child.
11/2/2018 12:21 PM
Adoptees deserve equal consideration in the process. They are currently pawns.
11/2/2018 12:03 PM
11/2/2018 12:00 PM
All adoptees deserve their original birth certificate just like all non-adoptees.
11/2/2018 11:46 AM
Still searching
11/2/2018 11:44 AM
I believe in family preservation. Adoption outside of the family should be the last resort and then should be as open as possible. The child has the right to all their biological information. A person’s origins is vital information and nothing can alter that, NOTHING!
11/2/2018 11:40 AM
Secrecy is evil.
11/2/2018 11:37 AM
11/2/2018 11:27 AM
We need our genealogy, extended family names, nationalities, our roots, our original birth certificate, it took 60 years for me to heal. Still not happy with the lies about where I was born. How a church can mess with your identity, how unwanted and insecure can mess your head. Adoption would be good if open.
11/2/2018 11:27 AM
The adoptee experience is as vast as nonadopted persons experiences. Stereotypes about adoption about the adoptee, birth mothers and the act of adoption need to be dispelled.
11/2/2018 11:19 AM
I was adopted, I also adopted our younger child. It saddens me that there is a need for adoption in the first place. When we adopted, we made a pact that our main goal was to bless the child, not ourselves. I know my own first hand experience has opened up doors for my child to freely discuss and share their frustrations. I can relate 100% and it’s still heart wrenching. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for adoptive parents to provide empathy without having gone through it themselves.
11/2/2018 11:06 AM
To make light of a serious issue; adoptees should be treated like vehicle pink slips when bought and sold… the make and model (birth name) stays the same, only the new owners’ names (adopting parents) are changed. Who in their right mind decided that OBCs should be changed; that vehicles have a higher priority than humans? Personally… my sense of a true identity has not yet been fulfilled. Am I a VW or a Rolls Royce?
11/2/2018 10:55 AM
I feel that the cost/pricing of children is crazy. I was a discount child because of my race and circumstances and I am not okay with that. Yes my birth mother had problems but with support I feel she could have patented. Instead she gave me up and suffered emotionally for years from the guilt and feelings of inadequacy
11/2/2018 10:35 AM
11/2/2018 10:20 AM
adoption isn’t good how can a jhave a clue whom he is placing the child with I didn’t have a good adoption and because my case is sealed case I will go to my grave never ever knowing answers to questions iv searched for will never be answered
11/2/2018 10:20 AM
I feel like part of me is missing – maybe all of me – who am I? who do I look like? it’s NOT fair for the state of New York to deny me this information!
11/2/2018 10:18 AM
Parents should be reviewed many many times before being given a child. Also that child should have immediate access at age 18 to all records.
11/2/2018 10:14 AM
Adoptees have to live every day with the repercussions of a corrupt system where they had no say. We are called lucky in an attempt to silence us and to keep the adoption industry running. We will no longer be silent.
11/2/2018 10:05 AM
Adoption is trauma and the trauma has a lasting effect. This can not be discounted by any member of the triad and there must be education for anyone wanting to be part of the triad. I did not come out of the fog until 60 yrs of age. I am ok with that as I can not change it. I think it is my responsibility to be open about what I think for the sake of others and in memory of all of my parents and families.
11/2/2018 10:04 AM
Kinship and community adoptions should be the only kind allowed.
11/2/2018 10:00 AM
If you want to ruin a child’s whole life adoption is the way to go. Stop the lies and denial of how fucked up adoption is and admit the trauma it causes. Stop making money off our lives!! (It’s all about the tax breaks!)
11/2/2018 9:58 AM
I had a very positive adoption experience my family was very loving to me. Although I have always felt I didn’t belong here. Adoptive parents are super!
11/2/2018 9:57 AM
I am tired of hearing the unicorn and rainbows expereince of adoption. It isn’t always that way. Society has not changed it’s views on adoption in 52 years. It’s awful that people scream and protest about black rights, hispanic rights, animal rights, illegal alien rights etc. but NEVER about adoptees rights. It’s sad that it’s OK with society that adoptees have NO rights and have NEVER had a say in what has happened to them.
11/2/2018 9:51 AM
I’d like other adoptees to stop telling me how I “should” feel. My birth mom should go to hell for being a lunatic and I’m glad she gave me up.
11/2/2018 9:45 AM
Social engineering theft trafficking not in the best interests of children
11/2/2018 9:33 AM
All adoptees should be able to get their OBC at a certain age. I petitioned the court and got mine in CA but it was after I had met my birth family. We need to consider adoptees feelings first…not anyone else in the triangle. If someone wants to find their family, they should not be judged and records should be opened. I am an older woman now so I am not aware how adoption agencies work today so I can not comment. I am lucky to have met my original family when I was 27 and both first parents were still married and I have 3 full siblings. They have been part of my life since then and I am 65 years old. My first mom is now the only parent I have that is alive. They all attended our daughter’s wedding this summmer ❤️
11/2/2018 9:33 AM
I would like to say that if an adoptee is is having a hard time then they are having a hard time and it should be taken seriously .. I have found my life very difficult, I have been diagnosed with very high combined type ADHD seeing all the things I have struggled with written down under one heading has been Incredible … I feel that we have got a lot to learn about the effects of adoption especially the separation from family …
11/2/2018 9:28 AM
I think open adoptions help ease the lack of knowledge. Closed adoptions, like mine leave too many questions & unknowns.
11/2/2018 9:25 AM
If God chooses you to be parents, then he.. if not.. Find another calling
11/2/2018 9:20 AM
There is a lot of healing that can occur with adoptees and their birth parents, if given the opportunity. I wish everyone would watch “Long Lost Family”. They can see both side of healing that can happen.
11/2/2018 9:13 AM
I believe in some ways, adoption practices have improved since I was born. I believe all adoptees should have therapy, especially when they’re young. I also believe adoptive parents have to know that their child/children come pre-programmed with their own personality and they need to nurture them instead of trying to mold them into an unnatural image of themselves.
11/2/2018 9:05 AM
Adoptive parents need to be less involved and not be allowed to take the child out of state before the parents right are severed and they need to be investaged deeper some do abuse I know
11/2/2018 9:04 AM
I would have loved to have written a book about my adoption experience. But there was already a movie made about my adoption. It mirrors the movie Mommie Dearest! My adoption was a horrific experience. My adoptive mother was psychologically unstable. She told My adoptive brother and myself that we should be grateful because they saved us!
11/2/2018 9:01 AM
It is very damaging to cut any baby off from their birth roots. It is very scary and upsetting to have to “pretend” you look like those in your adoptive family whom you know you don’t look like. It’s really upsetting to have “family tree” assignments in school and know you cannot accurately complete them.
11/2/2018 8:52 AM
Adoption has shaped my entire life. After meeting my biological mother, I know I was better off not being raised by her. My biological father never even knew I existed until I found him through DNA at age 47. He never had any other biological children, and he seems stable and kind so far. I can’t come to the same conclusion about him. We need to stop as a society pretending that adoption doesn’t affect children if they’re adopted as babies. I’ve experienced grief, anger, sadness, and rage. Stop expecting children who lived through profound trauma as if they didn’t live through profound trauma. Stop this savior complex– don’t try to save us, just love us. Really love us, with the easy and hard parts. Love us when we don’t love ourselves and when we want to think about the families and lives we lost. Don’t treat us like possessions and understand that living our biological families doesn’t mean we don’t love you. Don’t ask us to forget or give up that part of us, because in doing so, you’re rejecting part of what makes us who we are, rejecting us.
11/2/2018 8:51 AM
So much lack of information… only have hospital and county gossip about my birth parents, my adoptive parents talk about the joy of finally having their kids after fighting infertility, and no one seems willing to talk and dig deep. I don’t know who I am or where I belong, and that was before chronic illnesses that have reduced my body and mind to a depressed and anxious mess, so now I feel less than nothing.
11/2/2018 8:42 AM
I had a brother and sister. When I was taken to my adoptive parents I was told to forget them never to talk about them again. I cried my way through my childhood at night so no one would know I could not forget. My adoptive mother would become angry if I talked about them. I finally found out my brothers name to late to meet up with him. My sister died while I was still in my foster along with my mother. I feel better knowing I have cousins out there. My DNA test has given back some of history but a lot is still missing. Adoptees have a right to know family history no matter how bad or good it is. They need the family medical history. I rights are being taken away to protect adults. Our rights are important too. Our Constitution rights were taken away by being adopted. We have the right to the pursuit of happiness.
11/2/2018 8:41 AM
Therapy should be mandatory for all involved.
11/2/2018 8:41 AM
Even now at 40 I still look into a crowd for someone that looks like me. Could that person be related to me. I am native american and the facility I work at people come up to me and say “You look like my aunt, cousin” and they wait for me to respond. I don’t know what to say I could be your family. I am tired of carrying a secret and acting like two different people at once.
11/2/2018 8:36 AM
Please know that it is an emotionally complex and lifelong process of grieving and adjustment.
11/2/2018 8:35 AM
Adoption, as it is currently practiced, is completely unnecessary. If we do not respect the rights and interests of the least among us, infants who are completely at the mercy of others, we cannot possibly claim to respect the rights of anyone. Babies grow into adults who have a legitimate interest in their own history, biology, and origin. Respecting those interests should be placed at the forefront of any effort to place those babies in a family other than their family of origin. If an adult refuses to raise a child without that child first sacrificing any and all ties to their own history, biology, and origin, that adult cannot possibly be the best placement for that child.
11/2/2018 8:22 AM
when parents can’t bring up their own child then long term fostering is safer if its monitored. but should be a last resort.
11/2/2018 8:19 AM
Adoptees often feel adrift, like we’re lacking roots. A young woman putting a child up for adoption not only cuts herself off but both of the families that the child is a part of. We have a right to know our bio families and to learn about our heritage, our ancestral history and family medical history. We have a right to feel whole and like we truly ‘belong ‘.
11/2/2018 8:13 AM
An adult adoptee should have every right to their identity. Many of us have no idea who or what makes us who we are. This is a right that is severely overlooked in an attempt to protect the biological parents while placing undue turmoil on adult adoptees that have a right to know who they are
11/2/2018 8:07 AM
For myself, I am mainly concerned that I have been unable to get medical records regarding my birth parents, which could affect my children’s and my own medical treatment.
11/2/2018 8:06 AM
Adoptees rights to original birth certificate and that it’s not a money or highest bidder type industry
11/2/2018 8:02 AM
Theres so much more greif than happiness in all adoptions
11/2/2018 8:00 AM
Adoption has affected my every day since the day I as given up. It has taken me to very dark and scary places and still does to this day (40 years later). Reunion opened up issues I didn’t even know I had. I do not see a win in adoption and think it should only be used in the MOST extreme of cases.
11/2/2018 7:59 AM
Everyone’s experience is different. It affects everyone’s brain differently. No two of us are alike in our feelings/experiences. More education needs to be provided to the world on how our brains/emotions are different than how non-adoptees perceive the situation.
11/2/2018 7:59 AM
I think access to medical history of the birth parents should be mandatory. As an adoptee it is very scary not knowing what hereditary diseases I and/or my kids can be prone to.
11/2/2018 7:53 AM
I think it is important to listen more to adoptees instead of talking over them with the concerns of the birth mother. In my experience, the struggles and importance of the birth mother and adoptive parents seems to be deemed more important than the experience and struggles of the adoptee. I think it’s important than society and governments make more effort to let adoptees speak. Thank you for hosting this survey.
11/2/2018 7:46 AM
No. I’ve been saying it for almost 25 years. Nobody is listening.
11/2/2018 7:19 AM
Had I known about my adoption earlier in life (I was 16 when I discovered I was adopted), I might have been able to reconcile certain feelings and emotions that were irreconcilable when I was a teenager and young adult. I’d have been further along in my emotional development, for sure. Never discount an adoptees emotional distress.
11/2/2018 6:44 AM
11/2/2018 6:17 AM
Pre Ego PTSd
11/2/2018 5:45 AM
I was raised in a loving and accepting family. The parents that adopted me are my “real” parents. I don’t understand why so many adoptees are totally against the entire practice of adoption. They have experienced a bad adoption outcome but not all of us have.
11/2/2018 5:13 AM
Society needs to get into 2018 and out of 1950!
11/2/2018 5:05 AM
The trauma caused by adoption, particularly to an infant, is lifelong and debilitating, yet society has for too long put the emphasis on the adopters. We need a voice. Our first mothers and first families need a voice. We need our names, our history, our first mothers. One woman’s infertility does not give her the right to another woman’s child. First mother’s need support so they can keep their children, not have them taken from the by a system that is basically child trafficking. I had truly loving adoptive parents. I am successfully and happily in reunion but am seriously broken in so many ways, all due to being adopted. My rights, my health, my sanity, my needs and wants we’re never part of the process. It is unfair and unjust. I am an ungrateful an angry adoptee. Family preservation must always be the goal.
11/2/2018 4:39 AM
I want society to know that I would rather have not been born at all then adopted. I wasn’t given a better life. I was given to an abusive narcissist/hoarder/Munchhausen (amom) and a bipolar who checked out when I was 8 (adad). Im a secret, an outcast, mentally ill, etc. etc. etc. I could go on and on. I have struggled with being adopted my whole life and I always knew, no one told me. I have been through two rejections with my birth mother, who told me my adoption is none of my business and to leave her and her family alone. This after ONE facebook message. I’ve considered killing myself many times and long for death because I literally cant deal with the lies, secrets, and the pain that adoption has riddled me with. You don’t abandon your children if you love them and I don’t understand why anyone would say so. The only reason I’m still breathing is because of my love for my children. I love them so much that I will live for them. I’ll always be broken and in pain because I was adopted.
11/2/2018 4:08 AM
I think the secrecy around adoption is very wrong. I also believe that adoptees should be given more of a voice. I would like to see more training around prospective adopters before, during and after adoption. I would like it to be that adoptees have access to free counselling for their ‘issues’ in order for the shame and pain not become so ingrained for an adoptee, that they turn into adults with such low self worth that substance abuse the only way they can turn.
11/2/2018 4:07 AM
Adoption loss and trauma is not recognized by mainstream society especially if adoptees were babies when they were adopted. Thank you for providing this survey. I also believe that transnational and transracial adoptees experience additional loss, grief and trauma. Adoptee voices need to be heard and amplified. Thank you again.
11/2/2018 3:56 AM
I think adoptees that have been rejected need to understand the magnitude of what our bmothers went through and how sometimes remembering is more than they can mentally endure .We need to understand its not us but what happened to them that has made them who they are . And one day they will see you as their child .But it may not be while they are on this earth .
11/2/2018 3:55 AM
11/2/2018 3:47 AM
LDA experience broke my identity for years. Therapy helped me understand my enmeshment with my narcissistic mother and unearth my own identity.
11/2/2018 3:15 AM
Original birth certificates should be accessible to all Adoptees. Adoption currently is just about money. My parents divorced 2 years after adopting me, had a disabled child, were not prepared for another child. I found my birth parents using DNA, my father had no idea I existed- it was easier for the adoption to go through without his name on the birth certificate, my birth mom claims she told the social worker his name. All about money.
11/2/2018 2:51 AM
I lost 2 families the day I was born. My mother never held me. I didn’t “gain” a family for about 6 weeks. Imagine, a newborn with no family, just in foster care. If love makes families, my “family” was late to the party.
11/2/2018 2:46 AM
Adoption has affected my whole life. I feel like I have suffered a terrible form of identity theft and I can’t get my real identity restored. I’ve struggled with wanting to know who I am my whole life. My adoptive parents made bringing up children seem like such hard work, I, in particular, brought them no joy, that I never had kids myself. It wasn’t until I was in my forties that I realised the love and happiness that children bring to their parent’s lives. My adoptive parents and I are polar opposites in personality and my mother and I found it particularly difficult to bond. I still have to work hard at that relationship. If you can’t connect with the child you are given and the option is not there to send it back, then you do your duty and ask that child to be grateful for it every day. I got so tired of trying to be someone I wasn’t and to show my gratitude. Yet I was terrified I would have nowhere to go and no one would want me. I would sing to my birthmother every night as a child and the profound sense of loss was and is still present and colours every aspect of my life. Adoption is not all roses and pretty babies. Take it from me.
11/2/2018 2:36 AM
11/2/2018 1:22 AM
I found out I was adopted at age 59. It blew me off my feet into depression and PTSD both my birth parents had died, I was able to find 3 half siblings and if hadn’t been for their support I don’t know if I would be alive today.
11/2/2018 12:03 AM
11/2/2018 12:00 AM
Adoptees have to live a lifetime of it. It isn’t something that can be put right for us…that needs to be considered before adoption is considered.
11/1/2018 11:46 PM
Stop sealing records and changing birth certificates
11/1/2018 11:45 PM
11/1/2018 11:35 PM
Please be aware that an adoptee has lost an entire lifetime of possibilities. That is so much to lose. Please know that a child can love more than one family, and that’s ok.
11/1/2018 11:08 PM
Adoption is a draconian practise designed by the hypocrisy omf churches. It is now a dollar industry. If I could suemulti – billion, for the emotional and mental damage done to me…. I would!!! .
11/1/2018 11:04 PM
To all adoptees with positive adoptive experiences, and to all adoptive parents: I’m happy you aren’t negatively affected and it’s “all fine” with you. As for me, I’m ok. I’m working on it. I am NOT fine. I’m an LDA, late discovery adoptee. I found out I was adopted at 31 years old. I would much rather have always known. I think it would have changed my narrative for the better. At the very least it would have helped me realize why there were such differences and distance in my family relationships. Why I was treated differently. Finding out as an adult pulled the proverbial rug out from under me in every way you can imagine. It made me question every conversation, every memory. Made me remember out right lies told to me. Gaslighting made me feel crazy as a child. I thought something was wrong with me, because I didn’t fit. And because my “family” was cruel to me. As an adult, post discovery, I feel like a COMPLETE fool. I feel and was/am betrayed. And the fact that seemingly everyone around me knew my truth, but I didn’t is like a slap in the face. Wasn’t I important enough for someone to tell me? You don’t lie about something this important to someone you supposedly love. Not for ANY reason. You give age appropriate information, obviously. My trust has been broken. And the secrets kept and lies I was told, either outright or through Omission, still affect me today. I no longer trust ANYONE easily. ” Adoption” stole the first chapter of my life, and re-wrote it to suit my a-parents ideals. . In that first chapter, was my history, my ethnicity, my beginning. “Adoption” shaped the chapters of my childhood thru alienation, abuse, and desolation by placing me in an unloving and unsafe home. “Adoption” made me think I was crazy thru the chapters of teen years. And then the alienation I got from “adoption” , grew. “Adoption” held it’s secrets close in my adulthood chapters, arguing with me that I was better off than I might have been if “adoption” hadn’t taken control. “Adoption” robbed me of Love and true, meaningful relationships. “Adoption” attempts to destroy me even now, in my mid-life chapters. But “adoption”, I am stronger than you thought.
11/1/2018 10:33 PM
Birth certificates should never be changed- they are legal documents. When an adoption occurs an adoption decree should be issued. I also think it should be illegal to not tell an adopted child s/he is adopted- I have had discussions with people who did not find out they were adopted until their adoptive parents passed away, or upon genetic testing. Telling a child that they are adopted should be a legal requirement. Free counseling provided by the state or adoption agencies should be required to be provided to all adoptees upon request.
11/1/2018 10:01 PM
I think adoption it’s such a beautiful thing, Love is something special, and adoption is love by choice.
11/1/2018 9:47 PM
Knowing my adoptive parents is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Not knowing my genetic parents until I was 57 is the greatest struggle I have had. I was so lucky in the a parents I landed with. My heart bleeds for the the unlucky adoptees landing with difficult parents. My adopted siblings have been a challenge, we are nothing alike. I was “unlucky” in the adopted siblings category. My a parents did the best anyone could with them. My a parents never discussed our adoption with me. I found out when I was 12 and it shocked me. I spent 45 years searching for my genetic family. The relief felt after finding, and getting to know their traits, has been immensely beneficial to me. Thank you for listening.
11/1/2018 9:34 PM
Adoption doesn’t guarantee a better life for an adoptee only a different one. I had what most would call a “good” adoption. I had a good loving adoptive family. I was given up for adoption at birth. So the first thing that happened to me in this life was the loss of my mother. It took me 43 years to realize how much that loss effected me. As a kid, I would not sleep at night, I would just scream and cry. My biggest struggle was/is with self worth (or lack of it). I may have appeared to be a normal happy kid, but inside I was far from it. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I didn’t understand it then but I do now. My parents did their best but had no clue that I may have struggles related to adoption. So don’t tell an adopted person that they should be grateful or that they’re lucky.
11/1/2018 9:24 PM
Please read my columns on the subject here:
11/1/2018 9:14 PM
In my experience there should be more open adoptions. My birth mother was very instrumental in my life. In fact my adoptive family was rather abusive and she was only thing that kept me going in parts of my life. I’ve learned now that the state gets more money for every child that they have. This only creates problems, the state start taking children over the littlest things. parents are promise their children back only to never see them again. And an open adoption when the adoptive parents agree to it, they aren’t legally obligated to follow it. I’ve seen it happen before where they just disappear and the birth mother never knows where their child ends up.I also think there should be more of a family first rule. Make sure that there’s no one else in the family that can take them.There are a lot of things wrong with the system but I do believe that maybe they can be improved.
11/1/2018 8:58 PM
Birth information should be provided to anyone over 18, regardless of circumstances. This should include identifying information. I searched for 37 years for my birth family. Now both birth parents are dead, along with my adoptive mother. My adoptive father left us when I was 4. So, adoption did little to make my life better.
11/1/2018 8:47 PM
I think that closed adoptions are a form of kidnapping. In a way, it is also a form of parent napping. There is no logic to the idea that a child would not be better off with more than two parents as opposed to restricting them to that. The concept of the ownership, seems to be an overriding theme in adoption. Perhaps, if we relinquish the power that it holds, adoptees would have a better chance of a normal life.
11/1/2018 8:42 PM
Too much to type. Adoption can be hard, sad, scary and not an incredible, awesome experience it is painted to be
11/1/2018 8:35 PM
There’s a lot I could say and want to say. I would love to get involved but have no idea how.
11/1/2018 8:30 PM
No international adoption. No closed infant adoption.
11/1/2018 8:27 PM
The secrets are poison.
11/1/2018 8:18 PM
Adoption has left me completely alone. I no longer have any parents (bio or adoptive). My adoptive parents and siblings have cast me out over the past 6-7 years and written me out of the family history. They have demonized me to so many people that we have known for our entire lives.
11/1/2018 8:16 PM
I feel times have changed for the better. My friends who adopted in the 1980’s and later, they seem better equipped and their adoptive child more well adjusted. I was born and adopted in 1963. My bio parents and adoptive parents and the system didn’t handle/weren’t equipped for the situation and my emotional needs.
11/1/2018 8:11 PM
adoption ruins lives. children are not blank slates to be sold off .
11/1/2018 8:11 PM
Our society knows that you cannot take a puppy from its mother at too young an age because it affects their development. And yet adoptees are routinely taken at a young age even at birth. Hypocrites
11/1/2018 8:07 PM
Adoption should be the last resort. It is not beautiful
11/1/2018 7:44 PM
A person who is natural born to their family, can talk openly in society about both the good and the bad in their younger lives without being forced to choose only one: good or bad, without being called ungrateful for their parents, without being forced to uphold a narrative or having to qualify their pain or joys in relation to others. Adoptees, however, are not allowed nuance of experience. We are burdened to uphold a narrative that we did not create, does not serve us and conflicts what most of us actually experience internally as we live adoption. We are the only entity in adoption that LIVES adoption, we ARE adoption. We are so wrapped up with it, that we cannot see where it ends or begins, or where its tentacles really have reached within our psyches and SELVES. Through mainstream adoption narrative we are dismissed, categorized and often shamed for trying to express this tangled mess….and the only place I ever feel “normal” is in the company of other adoptees.
11/1/2018 7:35 PM
Stop pretending that our lives don’t start with trauma. Recognize that wound. Realize it doesn’t go away, no matter how much you try to love it away.
11/1/2018 7:25 PM
Babies grow up into filling functioning adults. Treat them like adults. Give them their rights.
11/1/2018 7:05 PM
Adoption should be tightly regulated and extremely rare. Adoption is trauma for the child. Adoptees should be checked for suitability in the home.
11/1/2018 6:57 PM
I could write several books, but Infant adoption is upside down, putting the wishes and wants of parents ahead of the needs of children. Furthermore, with as many children as there are actually needing homes, adopting infants should be considered at least as politically incorrect as buying purebred cats. Instead it is lauded. Public assumptions about adoption are simply madness.
11/1/2018 6:44 PM
Adoption as a construct is geared towards children and babies used like commodities. Even the ads that play are akin to sneaker ads. As long as adoption is still veiled in secrecy and adoptees are barred access to their own records, then adoption practices are sorely lacking
11/1/2018 6:32 PM
Adoption, as I know it in the baby scoop era, is when you buy someone else’s baby and pretend that it’s your own. This adoptive parent fairy tale is ultimately destructive to adopted people because it is false. It forces the adopted person to play a false role of the biological child the adoptive parents never had. DNA matters, and blood is thicker than water. My true mother never stopped being my mother, and she will always be my mother, even if the paperwork says otherwise.
11/1/2018 6:27 PM
11/1/2018 6:21 PM
Family Preservation should come first. Adoption has tainted every part of my life. The trickle down effect ..ruined my chances of having healthy relationships with my siblings. My birth mother was shut down emotionally. I can’t think of one single thing that was not affected by my adoption ..even my parenting sadly.. I’m a senior that has no idea what love is, or trust or what family means ..very sad place to live..
11/1/2018 6:21 PM
My adoption has turned my life upside down… I grew up knowing nothing about myself and now I know everything… I understand why my Mom did what she did I do wish that my Dad would have been there for me… I am grateful for my process as it has made me stronger as a person but I wish that I would have done my search sooner
11/1/2018 6:18 PM
There is a lot I do want to say, but I so much about NAAM is emotionally exhausting. And this is only the first day of it. So perhaps the message I would leave here is to remember that adoptees are going through a lot, whether they are 5 or 75. Regardless of whether they are “grateful” or critical of adoption, adoption-related things take a toll. Be kind. Learn to listen.
11/1/2018 5:38 PM
We need more attention given to trauma in separation, mental health issues and suicidal ideation/attempts
11/1/2018 5:37 PM
Adoption as it is practiced is victimizing to the adoptee and natural parent. Informed consent is outrageously violated due to the marketing, isolating, and pre-birth matching that natural parents are subjected to. Most adoptive parents are unfit from the outset because they consider themselves entitled to purchase a child because they believe themselves superior to natural parents, the they proceed to play “family” built on secrets and lies and with the expectation that the adoptee will meet their needs.It is extremely traumatic to sever the adoptee from the truth of his origins. There is no reason whatsoever to keep this truth hidden from adult adoptees.
11/1/2018 5:35 PM
My experience of adoption almost ruined me completely in every way. I am extremely resilient but many are not. There needs to be specialized therapists to help adoptees and also more education and support for adoptive parents.
11/1/2018 5:32 PM
Adoption will always be needed. But, the adoptee should not be stripped of who they are. It will be challenging enough to deal with all the emotional and mental issues of being given up. Dont add to it by stripping us of our beginning identity legally. Noone shoukd have the right to do that, noone. As we are the same as any nonadoptee. We are sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, mentors, business owners, life changers, etc. Shouldnt we be seen and treared just like you?
11/1/2018 5:23 PM
11/1/2018 5:16 PM
11/1/2018 5:05 PM
I most hate the script that we were all wanted and loved and if there is a reunion it will be rainbows and butterflies. It’s dangerous for all and untrue. More truth about all aspects and more listening to adoptees lived experiences
11/1/2018 5:05 PM
I think every effort should be made to support the birth mother so that she csn keep her child
11/1/2018 4:52 PM
Adoptees should have access to obc. Adoption should be open or adoptees should have full access to all info including heritage, medical records.
11/1/2018 4:51 PM
I was adopted as a newborn domestically in the USA. Once the adoption was final, no social worker EVER checked on me again. Not once. I would have told them I wasn’t ok, but no one ever followed up to make sure I was ok.
11/1/2018 4:46 PM
I don’t know anything about how adoption works. I’ve never asked and never cared to know.
11/1/2018 4:23 PM
11/1/2018 4:16 PM
Adoption is just a pretty name for child trafficking. It needs to end. No child ever needs adoption. Some children need a safe family to grow up in – that doesn’t require the severing of their connection to their families and the fraudulent alteration of their birth certificates. Some mothers need a bit of extra help to keep their babies. People need to realise they are not owed a child. Deal with your grief and find something else in life. Support a mother in keeping her child and become a beloved “auntie” or “uncle” instead. Realise adoption destroys families and damages children. When you pursue adoption, you are telling the world that your pain is more important than the pain you are deliberately trying to inflict on an innocent child and their family.
11/1/2018 4:13 PM
It truly has been in my thoughts every day of my life since I was a child. Think about that… It has affected every fiber of my being; perhaps in some good ways, but truthfully I feel I have been less a person my whole life. That all changed when I finally found my information about my parents, through DNA testing.
11/1/2018 4:09 PM
I think adoptive parents need more vetting.
11/1/2018 4:01 PM
Not at this time.
11/1/2018 4:00 PM
Listen and say you understand.
11/1/2018 3:58 PM
It didn’t affect me.
11/1/2018 3:47 PM
Adoptees grow up into adults. All the choices made for us affect us greatly. Sometimes negatively. It doesn’t mean adoption shouldn’t exist, but it shows all involved need to do the best they can at making sure the adoptee is placed appropriately.
11/1/2018 3:41 PM
I feel I was a product or a corrupt adoption. It was a child for profit factory with no truth in documentation to be able to search for my birth family. I wonder if they’ve searched for me and also have false documentation
11/1/2018 3:33 PM
I had a wonderful childhood. Both my sister and I were adoptees. Our father died when I was 12 and that was very hard. I’ve met my birth parents and I was much better off to be given up for adoption. There was sexual and physical abuse by my birth mother’s husband. My bio siblings who went through that are both a mess. Jail time, addictions, never working. I just lost my bio father whom I’ve been close to for the last five years. He treated me wonderfully and I miss him a lot. My adoption experience was a good one, but I realize it isn’t that way for everyone.
11/1/2018 3:18 PM
11/1/2018 2:34 PM
Adoption isn’t a magic solution for baby and birth mom. Adoption is trauma, and if I hear the “at least you weren’t aborted” argument one more time, I will vomit. The only thing that has healed me is meeting and knowing my biological father and his/our family.
11/1/2018 2:31 PM
Adoption has such a huge impact of ones personalty positive or negative. I am not really for intercountry adoption. I guess it should be done more things for the mothers in the respective countrys so that adoption would not be necessary at all.
11/1/2018 2:30 PM
It makes me question EVERYTHING.
11/1/2018 2:26 PM
Too much to list here…
11/1/2018 2:06 PM
Due to my first adoption ending after 4 years with years of abuse, I did not have a positive experience. Second adoption leading to difficulties feeling like I belong to the family has been very difficult for years.
11/1/2018 2:03 PM
Adoption as it is practiced todaynshoujd be abolished. Family preservation should be the primary goal. Then kinship guardianship with no altering of the birth certificate. The general public needs to be educated about the trauma and grief adoptees experience. General beliefs are that adoption is a win/win which is not true. Anyone considering giving a child up or wanting to adopt a child should read The Primal Wound.
11/1/2018 1:55 PM
Birth parents should not have any rights and required annual doctor exams should be received by adoptees, with all genetic testing. All open information…
11/1/2018 1:53 PM
Adoption IS trauma!! Adoption is almost never necessary!! Adoption is a Profit Driven Industry. How about supporting Family Preservation instead?! How about providing Adoptees with mental health recovery?! Adoption is the second worst thing to ever happen to me. Reunion Rejection is the worst because my mother was conditioned by society to believe she was just a vessel to provide someone else with a child. I am forever damaged due to adoption. I will be mourning my loss (mother/child relationship, sibling relationship, relatives, heritage, traditions) until the day I die. Thanks Adoption (NOT).
11/1/2018 1:45 PM
Adoptive parents need to have psychological evaluations as well as therapy to prepare to raise someone elses child. No transnational adoptions. Adoption has made me into a highly complex individual. I need lots of TLC and support to thrive.
11/1/2018 1:37 PM
I think that many adoptees have strong negative feelings about being adopted and the community can do a better job at trying to be open to ALL feelings about adoption – because no one’s feelings are wrong.
11/1/2018 1:27 PM
The trama an infant experiences being separated from their parent has got to be addressed from day one . We are not blobs of play dough you can just mold. We have genes and a history and a family . Stop taking that away .
11/1/2018 1:19 PM
I understand that there are instances when the biological parents are not the right option for the child. But I believe adoption should be the absolute last resort and that family preservation is the most important thing. If extended family is not available or the best choice then the child should stay in their community, then city, then state, then country. There are hundreds of other options before sending a child away from it’s family, city, state, country, language, and culture. I believe that if women had the right to make the choices they want for their bodies then more children would be born into a home that is able to keep them. If there are more economic opportunities for women then children would be born into a home that is able to keep them. If there is less social stigma against women having children out of wedlock then there will be children born into homes that have the safety net of extended family. Given all this, adoption should be rare. And the majority of adoption should be kinship adoption. Adoptive parents should educate themselves on the adoption industry, the fact that adoption is loss (of family, city, state, country, culture, language), tell the truth about their adoptive children’s history, be open and help finance any communication, trips and reunions. Adoptive parents adopting children of another race must themselves be educated on racism, white privilege (if they are non-black), white savior complex as well as becoming friends with adults that are the same race as your child. Provide them racial mirror even if this means moving to another city.
11/1/2018 1:17 PM
After 48 years I finally was able to obtain my birth certificate and papers. It has been a very long and gut wrenching journey. I wish I could have had this information sooner so that the answers would have been provided sooner and I would not now be starting the pain all over again.
11/1/2018 1:17 PM
Just know that every adoptees personal experience is different. It’s an emotional rollercoaster.
11/1/2018 12:59 PM
It feels like I was kidnapped. For a child there is little difference. My father wasn’t interested in parenting and my mother was not able to care for herself and her family were horrified so did not support her. She was an adult denied her rights. I was transported to Europe in utero and left here while my family returned to Canada. Birth control should be the primary objective and should be affordable and accessible for all!! Being an unplanned pregnancy is no joke. Infants need their mothers. I’m 51 yrs old and only just dealing with the stress my body has been under due to it all. Our experiences need to be taken seriously so the next generation are better provided and cared for.
11/1/2018 12:39 PM
I will never fully recover from being separated from my Mom
11/1/2018 12:34 PM
Adoption outside of the child’s biological Family should only be considered after all efforts have been exhausted to (1) keep mother and baby together, (2) to keep the child within the extended biological family, or to (3) find a temporary guardian for the child.
11/1/2018 12:07 PM
Being adopted has changed the way I operate in relationships in a negative way. I had a lot of issues with identity and abandonment and until I was an adult, I thought something was wrong with me. I believe the source of most problems I’ve ever had in my life stem from being adopted. I had a supportive family growing up but feel like I can’t talk to my adoptive mom about my adoption and my birth family search without hurting her.
11/1/2018 12:04 PM
When it comes to intercountry adoption, what we are really talking about is human trafficking. Babies and children should NEVER be removed from their country of origin unless they are leaving with a natural family member. People are NOT replaceable. Children are NOT commodities.
11/1/2018 12:02 PM
I personally have had several different emotions through my adoption journey . Most of these emotions not positive. I do not think enough thought was given to adoptees about how they will feel as children and adults of adoption. I myself could have benefited from a support group or counseling as a child and now an adult. I was expected to be greatful and not have any negative feelings about adoption. This has not served me well. I am hopeful that as laws and awareness is changing others can benefit and receive the guidance and healing needed as an adoptee.
11/1/2018 11:56 AM
11/1/2018 11:49 AM
I believe adoption, like most things…is an individual experience. For some it is great, for some it is not. Some people have no real affects from it and others have a chip on their shoulder for life. Some adoptees want to search for birth family and others don’t. No one answer is right for everyone. I guess I would like to see adoptees being respectful of how others think instead of insisting people are hiding misery or can’t really be happy because if it. That is a lie. Adoption is an event that some people experience. It is not necessarily a good or bad thing…it just is. Sometimes I think adoptees need to stop walking around as a victim and blaming others for the shortcomings of life. Everyone has stuff…we just need to learn how to deal with it in the best way for ourselves. Complaining and focusing on the hard things will not make them go away or lessen them. I think this world would be a better place if we could all look at the good in our lives instead of focusing on the things that are not changeable.
11/1/2018 11:38 AM
Adoption robbed me of my truth, my mom, my father and all that comes with family. I struggle with body image because the mirror available to me was the wrong one. I struggle with knowing myself and being whole.
11/1/2018 11:28 AM
Sooner or latee adoption leads to mental health problems. It’s unevitable unfortunately.
11/1/2018 11:27 AM
I have been loved unconditionally by my adoptive parents. I have traced my birth family to find my roots but my mum & dad & I feel so loved by each family
11/1/2018 11:15 AM
Adoption trauma is real and will always affect both the adoptee –whether in her/his childhood or in her/his adult life – and her/his biological family. Adoptees and their biological families should be listened to more closely, with much more compassion, humanity and attention.
11/1/2018 11:12 AM
The adoptees struggle is real.
11/1/2018 11:07 AM
Children should not be for sale!
11/1/2018 11:06 AM
The propaganda that portrays birthmothers as heroes for giving up their child is extremely offensive because the truth of how adoptees are traumatized for a lifetime by this decision is dismissed.
11/1/2018 10:58 AM
Adoption is wrong you have know right to take away who we are
11/1/2018 10:53 AM
In most cases, I don’t believe adoption is necessary if support were offered to the family. Only children as risk should be adopted. It has been about infertile couples versus true need for an infant to be removed.
11/1/2018 10:49 AM
I believe it’s harder now more than ever to find your birth siblings , when your searching for someone that was born in 1950’s & 1960’s
11/1/2018 10:42 AM
It destroyed my life finding out everything about me and my existence is a lie. I was not important enough to be told who I was. I’m just a piece of meat that got used for the adopters. Adoption is slavery with a new cute name. Some of us our house slaves, and some of us get put to work. After finding out I was adopted, when I was an adult. I’m retired now from work. I’m exhausted and can barely hold on to what little bit of life I have. It destroyed me and the little family I made. Fuck adoption.
11/1/2018 10:41 AM
My only advice for the next generation is to never accept what you have been told. See for yourself what is fact and fiction. My adoption was legal from my adopted parents side, but the level of corruption from the agency and many falsifications was proved. I was purchased, like out of a book. Keep the communication open and honest with your adopted child. Never tell them the way they feel is wrong. And be patient
11/1/2018 10:34 AM
I feel deserted a lost and alone feeling. Not belonging.
11/1/2018 10:24 AM
I’m 72 and still dealing with the effects of a closed adoption by people who were not emotionally healthy enough to be adoptive parents. I’ve found both my original families and that has been a great benefit, although my parents died long before I found their names. Adoption is a financial proposition on all sides, with children as the “product”. It’s obscene as practiced in the US and other English-speaking countries.
11/1/2018 10:20 AM
Adoption hurt me. It made me question my value as a human being. It also cut me off from my heritage. I knew next to nothing about my ancestors growing up. I felt abandoned not chosen and no one seemed to care or understand. I longed for my real parents. I hated being adopted.
11/1/2018 10:09 AM
Adoption hurts the adoptees, and it should never happen except in dire emergency cases such as one in which the natural parents are killed, and then the child should remain with a natural family member if at all possible. As it is now, adoption is baby selling, and it would be better to keep families (mothers and their babies especially) together. Mother/adoptive family matching should be illegal, and the coercive things that agency representatives do to get the natural mothers to reliquish their babies should become illegal. No profit should be allowed to anyone including fees, etc. in the adoption industry, that only leads to baby selling. I myself have had so many abandonment and self-esteem issues my whole life that never became clear as to cause until I began to read about adoptee issues. I always wanted to go back to my real mom even when I was a very small child. My birth half-sister and I are very close and we are so very similar. I was never smiliar to any of my adoptive parents. My adoptive father was an abusive, mentally ill bully, but since they paid enough money, they got a baby. I was always told that my adoptive mother got to “choose” me but always wondered why my real mother didn’t choose me. I know now that she and my father got pregnant to make my mom’s parents allow them to marry, but they took my mom to a maternity home where she was forced to relinquish me even though my father’s name was on my OBC! They whited out his occupation to “deceased” which was not at all true. My adoption was an illegal one and nobody, especially not my grandparents, cared. My mom suffered greatly after she gave me up and died very young.
11/1/2018 10:04 AM
Adoption is a money-making industry first. Adopting people should have counseling to deal with their own grief over infertility, their expectations of the child, and to realize that the child will come as an individual, not a moldable version of themselves. Adult adoptees should have complete, unabridged access to their birth records including their birth certificate. We are not a used car that can be retitled by the most recent buyer.
11/1/2018 10:01 AM
Adoption is NOT about parents looking for an infant child to complete their family! Adopt a child out if foster care who needs a home! It’s not about you, it’s about the child!!! Do not have your friends “pray you will get a child”! That means you are praying for someone else’s loss!
11/1/2018 9:56 AM
I was adopted by people who were mentally unfit to parent. They were abusive and despite that they were allowed to adopt seven more children and abuse them and were praised for it. All of those children have been labeled by the community as damaged, RAD, ungrateful and spiteful while our adoptive parents are the victims. The overall adoptive narrative contributes to this outcome. It allows continued abuse, and forgives it bc we were ‘throwaways and unwanted and should be grateful for this better life’. It negates our humanity and the value of our families of origin and makes saviors out of our abusers. This was all after some of us were trafficked, few of us were orphans. We were separated from biological family; parents, siblings.
11/1/2018 9:52 AM
I wish that society would think of the person being adopted and their needs and wants. The focus is almost always on the adopters and not the child. We need to think about what is truly best, long-term for the child. The needs of the child should always be above the wants of the adopters. No one NEEDS to be a parent, they just WANT to be a parent.
11/1/2018 9:48 AM
11/1/2018 9:44 AM
I was adopted from Colombia , my documents are most likely falsified. I have no info. Ive been searching for 24 years. I am not alone.there are hundreds of thousands of us if not millions. Being an international adoptee you loose not only uour family, but your culture, country language. So many of us have been stolen, trafficked, and have changed names and birth dates and illegal adoptions. We will never find our families. Its a crime. Only open adoption should be done. No secrets, no lies, no searching. I now help my adoptee community in search reunion, and advocacy. I continue to search. My fear is that I will die ever knowing.
11/1/2018 9:42 AM
Adoption is traumatic. Everyone has a right to know their heritage and biology.
11/1/2018 9:42 AM
I feel that birth mothers are forced to make the decision . They are told it’s the best for the baby based on money not love. I was placed for adoption but my birth dad never got a say .I was also forced by my adoptive parents to give my daughter up for adoption no one talks about the pain and trama that adoption causes .
11/1/2018 9:40 AM
The only reason I was adopted is because my birth mom was 15 years old. My birth father was 18 years old and a pussy. He didn’t want to tell his parents he had created a child. My birth mother could have received help for a few years but instead wasn’t given a choice. I wasn’t given a choice. She died at 29 years old when I was only 13. I never had a chance to meet her and I live with that grief forever. I will NEVER have answers or closure. Never. All because she was young. I think she drank herself to death because of giving me up. I truly believe it.
11/1/2018 9:37 AM
I am blessed to have been adopted by wonderful parents. My life would otherwise have been awful if left with my birth parents
11/1/2018 9:37 AM
Adoption will. Always be a necessary component of society but much can be done to improve the process.
11/1/2018 9:34 AM
There are children in the world whom adoption is the lesser of terrible choices, to be sure. However, the psychological trauma to an infant and mother at separation should be avoided at all costs, and a more honest narrative needs to be employed for the health and wellness of adoptees, biological family, and adoptive parents. Adoption is at times a necessary evil, and it should be looked at honestly and selflessly, with the voiceless child as the primary focus.
11/1/2018 9:34 AM
Adoption, I believe, is the reason that I struggle with forming relationships with others. I spent 46 years not knowing who I was. Now that I know, it might take me another 46 years to recover if I’m not permanently damaged.
11/1/2018 9:32 AM
Human. Trafficking. Let people have their original birth certificates. Let them exist before the adoption. We as humans deserve that. Let that be a part of them. Don’t leave a piece of life & time missing for people. It isn’t good.
11/1/2018 9:30 AM
Because of adoption, I have never felt whole. I have never felt real. I have never felt like I belonged. I have never felt good enough. I attach to people too easily and can separate just as easily when lied to or mistreated. When someone tell me they love me I wonder when they will leave because I learned that when someone loves me they give me away. Also, I was threatened with the same if I was naughty. I wasn’t worth the effort of the struggle. I learned that my feelings and needs were not important, but the needs of my adopters came first. Consequently I was codependent for a very long time and had two bad marriages because of it. Therapy is the only reason I have learned to do self care and not feel selfish. Because of adoption I missed out on 4 siblings. Adoption is full of lies. Telling lies means we aren’t worthy of the truth. Because of adoption I feel less than. I could go on for days but adoption has made me tired and physically ill.
11/1/2018 9:17 AM
It is glorified human trafficking and identity theft.
11/1/2018 9:12 AM
Adoptees should have every right to their own personal information that non-adoptees do, including birth certificates, names, medical history, etc. There should also be more support available for birth parents to help them in keeping their family in tact.
11/1/2018 9:11 AM
Ever since my search has been undertakenI have found many reasons for an adoption, but hiding the truth from me is wrong on every level. Personal, legal, psychological. You cannot tear a child away and not expect issues with no support for the child/adult adoptee. Adoption is about money and greed under the guise of saving children otherwise we would help the original family. My adoption was probably a good thing, but I have heard that line so many other times when it clearly wasn’t warranted. The whole system must change.
11/1/2018 8:48 AM
Adoption needs to end. Kinship guardianship, guardianship, or other type of way to care for children. Family preservation should be first! No changed birth certificates. I already had a mother before adoption. I bonded with her. I could never bond to new parents as if a blank slate. My adoptive parents were told they could just take me in and I would blend in just as if I had been born to them. This is impossible. This creates all kinds of emotional pain for me. Feeling I had to pretend and play a role in this fake family dynamic. I couldn’t be the “real” me. I wished I could have known my bio family while growing up. Ultimately I wish someone would have helped my mother and I stay together.
11/1/2018 8:45 AM
Listen to the adoptees.
11/1/2018 8:40 AM
As a transracial adoptee, I believe that transracial adoption should be abolished entirely. Further, adoption is unnecessary as infants/children can be provided for through other means.
11/1/2018 8:38 AM
Adoption needs a complete overhaul
11/1/2018 8:34 AM
My whole life I never felt like I fit in anywhere I still struggle with knowing who exactly I am. Even when I met my birth family I still felt I didn’t fit with them although reconnecting with my sister again years later was brilliant it’s been such an easy connection, and having my own children and now grandchildren and having people look like me in some way or another has been brilliant
11/1/2018 8:28 AM
No one is entitled to have a child…talkin to you white christian couples! You aren’t “saving” anything but your fragile ego. Listen to adoptees. We are the only ones in the triad that had no choice. Our voices deserve to be heard. We are literally dying because of adoption trauma, and no one cares.
11/1/2018 7:28 AM
Adoption destroyed my life. I see it as a form of torture and abuse. It needs to be abolished as soon as possible. No child needs to be adopted to have a life.
11/1/2018 7:27 AM
11/1/2018 6:57 AM
Adoption doesn’t work, it’s a lifetime of misery to the adoptee
11/1/2018 6:55 AM
it is a giant loss for all involved.
11/1/2018 6:47 AM
I think it is important to expand the adoption narrative to include the grief and loss that is experienced by most members of the adoption constellation. Thus far, it has only been a celebration for adoptive parents. Adopted persons need to be given more of a voice and control in the adoption narrative.
11/1/2018 6:22 AM
Adoption should be allowed. No human being should lose their legal or biological identity for the sake of satisfying someone else’s desire to have a child. A guardianship situation should be established when there is absolutely no biological kin to care for the child. Only in extreme situations should this be used. All efforts should be put towards keeping the child with their biological kin and supporting families to stay together.
11/1/2018 5:47 AM
It’s a never ending story, even in reunion Adoption never ends it’s a death sentence.
11/1/2018 5:24 AM
Not accepted as a real part of my adopted family…always an outsider…not of their blood. I have suffered my whole life with Reactive Attatchment Dissorder…I am 70!
11/1/2018 5:18 AM

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